Pairing: Xander/Gunn friendshipping, significant mention of past Xander/Anya and Gunn/Fred Rating: Mild R for nudity, slightly slashy undertones, mention of obscure Terry Gilliam films Spoilers: Through series finale of Buffy and S4 finale of Angel Summary: Two men, one beach, a bit of comfort to help them move on. Date Written: 6/29/03 Author's Notes: This one comes to you courtesy of m-m slashaholics monthly Castaways challenge for June 2003. They asked for Xander and naked Gunn. The beach was my idea. Dedication: To Mommy Sofy, for all her enthusiasm, and all her Xander love. Xander pulled his car to a smooth stop. He rummaged in the back for a towel, suntan lotion, and a small cooler of junk food and sodas. After all, he'd promised Anya. "When this is over," he'd told her as they lay together on the Summers' kitchen floor just four nights ago, "we'll go spend the day on the beach. I know the perfect spot, too. Miles away from Sunnydale and the latest Apocalypse. You'll love it." He might not be able to bring her along now, but he'd promised. After Buffy's last death and her painful resurrection, he knew for certain that there was a Heaven of some kind, and he didn't want Anya looking down from it only to see him scorning her memory. She'd probably come back just to curse him, then. It was almost worth the risk. Almost. He shook his head to clear it. There were so many memories he wished he could be rid of. That was his other reason for coming out to the ocean three days after Sunnydale was sucked into the Hellhole from which it had originally sprung. The beach was refreshingly clean of vampires and bad memories. The beach was a sanctuary from the insanity of his life. From childhood memories of building sandcastles with Willow and Jesse to playing touch football with Buffy and the gang, nothing bad happened at the beach... unless you counted the night one of the Sunnydale High swim team turned into the creature from the Black Lagoon. No, not even the beach was immune from the badness. There was just a lot less of it around the sand and the waves. He gathered up his accessories and headed down the incline to the shore. Sand filtered into his flip-flops as he trudged past rock formations, small dunes, and shrieking children with a grim expression on his face. A little girl stared at him. He smiled and the girl ran, screaming in terror. Xander had to wonder how much of the reaction was training from her parents in being scared of strangers, and how much was his eyepatch. "A pirate! A pirate was gonna steal me!" Well, that answered that question. With a deep sigh, Xander juggled his burden into a more comfortable position and moved along his way. As he rounded the large rock formation that hid his special spot from the rest of the world, Xander came to a sudden halt. Somebody was already there. Somebody who had clearly decided the beach's non-nudist policy didn't apply to him. Somebody who looked damn... uh uh. Not going there. The stranger turned his head and frowned at Xander. Clearly, he'd wanted some alone time, too. Well, tough. This was for Anya. If anything, the addition of a naked man to the experience made it all the more appropriate to her memory. She would really have enjoyed this view. "Can I help you?" the stranger drawled. Xander laughed nervously. "I didn't think anyone would be here. Is it okay if I stay?" "Sorta wanted to be alone." "Me, too." "Then why do you want to be where I am?" "That wasn't exactly the plan. I just... this is where I go. This is my spot. When I come to this beach, which isn't that often, but... I need to be here today. I'm Xander, by the way." He extended his hand, immediately dropping his suntan lotion bottle. Stooping to pick it up, he dropped his towel as well. When he finally gathered up everything, he found the other man wrestling to keep the amused smile off his face. Xander grinned a bit sheepishly. The other man nodded as if he'd come to a decision. "Gunn," he said. "Where?" Xander spun around nervously. "No, no, that's me. I'm Gunn. Charles Gunn. Y'know, maybe I should start using my first name more. The other seems to upset a lotta folks." "I'm a little nervous around guns," Xander admitted. "Swords, crossbows, axes, knives... I'm pretty good with those, usually, but guns... I don't like 'em." "What's your stand on stakes?" "I like 'em. I like 'em a lot." "In that case, you can stay." With a broad smile, Xander set out his towel and pulled off his tee shirt. Gunn watched lazily as his new companion slathered on suntan lotion. He wasn't sure how much of what the guy had said was serious and how much was joking, but he liked something about him. Maybe it was that slightly awkward thing he had going. It reminded him of how Wes had been when they first met, before things got dark. Before Fred got between them. Before... something else he couldn't quite put his finger on. Whatever it was, it was bad and it ended with English sleeping with the evil lawyer lady and the destruction of their hard-won friendship. Now Wes was somebody he didn't really recognize, and he didn't understand how it had happened. No point in crying over spilt demon blood, though. He realized Xander was offering him the suntan lotion. "No thanks," he said a little gruffly. "Oh come on, you don't want to get skin cancer, do you? It's PABA-free." "What the hell's a PABA?" "I'm not exactly sure, but it's something you apparently don't want in your sunscreen. Come on, take it." And suddenly, the kid sounded a lot like Angel. That mix of goofiness and asperity that had made Gunn feel like he had family really got to him. Angel seemed to get off on taking care of everyone... in a way that made everybody feel like they were doing him a favor by letting him have his way. "Okay, okay," he said, snatching the bottle from Xander. "Fine. I'll use it. I just wanted to get a tan, not a lecture." Xander bit back a smile. That had sounded so like Giles in the old days. The Watcher had always had to pretend he disliked it when people showed concern for him, when secretly he was nearly starved for the attention. It occurred to Xander that it wasn't like that at first. What had happened to Giles to make him distrust the affections of his little band? At first, he'd been open in his delight at their easy acceptance of him. What had changed him so? Angelus? Buffy's blindness to his needs and desires outside of the Slaying? Something else entirely he'd never noticed? Whatever it was, he wanted to fix it so things could go back to the way they'd been. Unfortunately, going back hadn't worked yet. He lay down face first on his beach towel and sneaked looks at the other man as he slathered suntan lotion on his dark skin. He could just hear Anya comparing the sight to that of an ancient Roman slave being oiled to please his mistress. A small snort of laughter escaped his lips. Gunn paused in his oiling. "What's so funny?" "Nothing, nothing... I just... I was just thinking about someone." "Someone funny?" Xander got a faraway look in his eye. "Yeah. Yeah, she really could be. Except when she wasn't." "Oh. One of those somebodies." "What 'those somebodies'?" "The 'girl that got away' somebodies. Am I right, or am I right?" "Got away isn't exactly the term. Threw away, is more like. Threw her away, but didn't let her go. I suck at girlfriends... which I didn't mean *that* way... and I suck at talking to humans, too." Gunn shrugged non-commitally. "Not so good at that, myself. Kinda nice to meet someone who's worse at it than me." He took up the lotion again and began to spread it over his body. "I don't trust people who talk real smooth. Usually got something to hide." "I got news for you, buddy. Everybody's got something to hide, except for me and my monkey." "One of your own?" "One of John Lennon's, I think. Either that or Paul McCartney. Maybe I'll ask Giles. He'd know." "Up to you. So what's her name?" "Whose name?" "Got away girl. What's her name?" "Oh. Anya. You?" "Fred." "Fred?" Xander swallowed hard. "We're not talking about a... got away guy, are we? Not that I'd mind. Hey, my best friend's gay, and so's her girlfriend. Just... sorta... wondering." "She's a girl. Fred's short for Winnifred." "So how'd she get away?" "That's a long story, and I ain't quite sure how it goes, anyway. Loved her, lost her, still kinda gone on her, but there's no going back, I guess. I just hope English treats her right." "Left you for a sexy English guy, huh?" "Not exactly, but there's some stuff there. I know he wants it, but there's this dead chick... it's all kinda freaky, y'know?" "So, sexy English guy with a dead girlfriend obsessing about a girl you're into. Oh boy, do I see shades of my life in that. Ever see him in the day? Outside? Not bursting into flames?" "He ain't sunlight combustible, no." Gunn tossed the lotion to Xander and lay back down on his towel. "Help me with my back?" "Wha...?" "The lotion. Couple spots on my back I can't reach so good. Wanna do 'em?" He could almost hear Anya in his head. She would have encouraged him. Ever since the time he'd been split in two by Toth, she'd hinted - in her amazingly broad way - that she'd like a threesome with a second man. She'd also hinted that she thought it would be sexy if Xander and the other man paid attention to one another as well as her. Decision made, he reached for the bottle. "Okay, An," he muttered under his breath, "this is for you. Don't tell anyone up there, either, because this isn't what they'll think." He warmed the lotion in his palms and began to spread it over the firmly muscled back. Gunn gave a contented little grunt and relaxed further. It was nice to have somebody take care of him for a little while. He missed that about Fred. He missed that about English. The way they'd done little things to make his life easier and more comfortable. Sure, they were all friends again, but not the way they had been. The little treats and courtesies were either gone or they felt less spontaneous. It was almost like... something was missing. Something that had caused a lot of trouble. Something he hadn't liked very much. Still, it was important and it was gone and he couldn't figure out what it was. Whatever it was, it had changed everything, and now nothing fit together the way it was supposed to. "So, tell me more about you," Xander suggested eventually. "Not that much to tell," Gunn shrugged. "Whole bunch of stuff is all messed up, but not much I can do about that." "From what you said a while ago, it sounds like there's something to tell. Entertain me. Consider it payment for the whole lotion thing." "I dunno. It's pretty messed up. You might not get it." "Try me. I got all the subtle vampire references, didn't I?" "Yeah. You did. I just... I don't want to talk about 'em behind their backs. That ain't cool." "It's not talking behind their backs. Their backs aren't even here. If it makes you feel better, you can use code names for them. C'mon! Code names? Lots of fun, code names. Very 007." Gunn couldn't help laughing. He'd come out to the beach to brood, but somehow this guy made it impossible to stay down in the dumps for long. His sense of humor was infectious, and his breezy ways put Gunn at ease. He sighed. "Okay, okay, I give. I don't know where to begin, but I give. So, I work for this dude. Big, broody guy. Major forehead. We'll call him Dorkfish. Don't get me wrong, I like the guy, but... even when he's working overtime on the cool, he's just... goofy. Then there's my best friend. He's English and stuffy and just don't get what he does to the ladies - and a whole lot of the men, come to think of it. Smart, but he doesn't get a lot of the here and now, if you know what I mean. Lot more dangerous that you'd think to look at him, too. We'll call him English. I call him that to his face, anyway. Fred, you know about. Brainy. Gorgeous in that too skinny white girl way. What she ever saw in a lug like me, I don't know, but I can't stop wishing she'd see it again. And there's this big, green guy who sings, but ain't much in a fight. Nice dude, but... look, the closet that could hold him ain't been built yet, if you know what I mean. He's Mr. Greengenes. And there's another girl. Don't know what happened, but she's out cold these days. Been in a coma a while now. Damn fine woman in every sense of the word. That's Sleeping Beauty." "Cast of thousands," Xander nodded. "That's a promising start to a long afternoon. So tell me what happened." "See, that's the thing. I don't know exactly what happened. I just know how it ended. Something - or someone - is missing. Whatever it is, it's important. It's sorta the key to how we got where we are." "And where would we be?" "Lost Fred. One day, she loves me and I love her and everything's perfect and then, wham! She still loves me, but she's slipping away. English and her looked like they might get together for about a minute until Dorkfish told her English had been doing the nasty with the nasty lawyer lady who works for this firm we been West Side Storying with for years; he still might be, for all I know. Sleeping Beauty is sleeping way too long, Dorkfish keeps playing footsie with the Dark Side of the Force, and now we own the law firm we been smacking down. I don't get any of it, and nobody's explaining how it all got like this. English is smart enough, but he don't care about figuring it out anymore. It's whacked." Xander sat back on his heels and thought for a moment. "So," he said at last, "let me see if I've got this straight: your best friend is - or was - sleeping with the enemy, and you're not sure whether or not that's over, your other best friend is getting really weird over magical stuff, you and your girl couldn't make it work even though you're crazy about each other, and the only person you know smart enough to figure out what the hell's going on is taking a semi-permanent sabbatical from responsibility for it all." "That about sums it up." "Huh. Throw in caring for a kid that wasn't supposed to exist in the first place, and you're living my life." Xander stretched out on his towel again. Gunn looked over at him. "Want me to put some of those not-PABAs on your back?," he asked. "Really? You sure about that? 'Cause it'd be nice, but you don't have to if you don't want." Gunn took the bottle again. "Trust me, I don't do nothing to nobody's body I don't want to. I just don't want to watch your white ass turn red." "That's why I'm wearing the traditional swimsuit of length and bagginess: so certain, sensitive parts of me don't burn." "Ladies love that all-over tan, that's all I'm sayin'." Xander considered for a moment. Nobody had bothered them so far, and it did feel strange wearing clothes with someone who was so unashamedly naked. Besides, this whole thing was for Anya, and if there was one thing in the world Anya loved, it was a naked man. "Okay, but don't laugh at my white ass. It's not used to it." He stood and shucked off his trunks, then lay back down on his stomach as quickly as he could. "Yeah!" Gunn cheered. "Let the little man be free!" "Isn't that another John Lennon thing?" "Robin Williams. He played some whacked-out homeless dude in a movie English showed me once. And there was something about King Arthur and a shoot-out in a restaurant and people dancing in the middle of Grand Central Station. Didn't make much sense to me, but he said it was his favorite film. Me, I like something where the good guys and the bad guys don't get mixed up so easy." "You and me, both. Life's too messy to deal with ambiguity in your entertainment. Just tell me which side John Wayne's on, and I know to root for them. It's simple; nice." "I hear you, man." Gunn's hands felt good on Xander's back. He relaxed under the firm but surprisingly gentle touch. He hoped Anya was enjoying the show. As long as things stayed at this level, he was content. It just felt nice to have someone do something ordinary and comforting for him. When the hands went away, he felt a slight twinge of regret. "Thanks, man." Gunn shrugged noncommittally. "No big." They lay on their towels in silence for a time. The sound of the surf and the steady breathing of another human being soothed both. Eventually, though, the sun began its descent over the horizon. Xander sighed and gathered up his things. "I gotta go," he said reluctantly. "Night's coming, and I've got a long drive ahead of me." "Yeah. I should go, too." He turned and pulled on a pair of sweatpants. "Oh, and if you ever want to share a bit of beach again... it's okay by me." "Sure. Yeah. Ditto." As they went their separate ways, both men smiled more than they'd expected to on their way to the beach. When he got to his car, Xander looked up at the darkening sky. "An? I just wanted to say... I miss you. I wish you were still here. But I think I'm gonna be okay. If that's alright by you, maybe you could give me some sort of sign, or something. I just... I know I'll always love you, but I think I need to move on. It's not scorning. It's just... y'know... living. So, I'll just keep my eye open for that sign. Send it when you're ready." He watched for a further moment. When the sun dropped below the horizon, he couldn't wait anymore. He got into his car and headed for the motel that constituted home for the time being. He smiled when he saw the flash of a shooting star in his rear view mirror.