Pairing: Jonathan/Warren, but not in a slashy way Rating: PG-13 for a couple rude terms, sexist statements, and negative slashy innuendo Spoilers: Through Dead Things. Takes place shortly afterwards Summary: Can Jonathan convince Warren his life of crime is pointless? Date Written: 8/19/02 Author's Notes: This fic comes to you courtesy of Kat's Gloveslap #101 which reads as follows: Here's your slap: Warren. Chocolate sauce... gummi bears... and a blonde wig. The character of your choice proves to him the error of his quasi-evil ways. Dedication: To Kat without whom I would never have attempted to write Warren. And to Rari, whose recent Trek obsession inspired the title. Warren fiddled with the intricate circuit on his workbench. Just a few more tweaks and it would be ready. He didn't even look up when he heard footsteps coming down the basement stairs. He knew it was one or the other of those pathetic losers who followed him like lost puppies. His visitor was silent for a long time as he waited to be acknowledged. Warren wouldn't give him the satisfaction. "Warren?" Jonathan said at last. "Could I talk to you a minute?" "Make it snappy, Sparky. I'm busy." "I brought gummi bears and chocolate sauce." Warren spun around on his stool to face his visitor for the first time. "Gummi bears?" "And chocolate sauce," Jonathan confirmed as he produced two Tupperware bowls from behind his back. Warren frowned. If Jonathan had brought potato chips or candy bars, that would be just par for the course, but gummi bears - especially in conjunction with chocolate sauce - that meant this was something big. "I'm working, Idiot boy. You drop chocolate sauce on this circuit and I'll melt you like the Ark of the Covenant melts Nazis." "I'm not gonna spill it," Joanthan assured him. "Look, could you put that down?" "What's the matter, Sparky? Scared?" Warren hovered the delicate piece of electronic gear over the chocolate sauce. Jonathan flinched when he pretended to drop it in. "I think I'm gonna hang onto this." "Stop messing around, Warren!" At Jonathan's sharp tone, Warren decided he'd better put his toy down, after all. Levinson might be short and almost as dumb as he looked in some ways, but he knew some serious magicks. It wasn't time yet to ditch him. That would come later. The circuit returned to the workbench, Warren turned to face his partner in crime, folded his arms across his chest, and opened negotiations. "What's up? Is Andrew hogging all the anime tapes again? Feeling a little lost without your Sailor Moon fix?" Jonathan bit his tongue against the retort that rose at the insult. Sneering at Warren over his pornographic movies based oh-so-loosely on Star Trek wouldn't help matters now. "I came to talk to you about the plan," he said instead. "The plan? What about it. It's a perfect plan. There's nothing to talk about." Warren dipped a gummi bear into the chocolate and popped it in his mouth. "Getting cold feet, are you? Getting scared the big, bad Slayer will beat you up? Or are you just worried you'll miss it the next time the showercam alarm goes off?" "It's not that," Jonathan said quietly. "Then what? Just remember, if you forgot to pack your footie pajamas, there's no time to go back and get them now. Hey, I know! Maybe you can do a spell to get them! Yeah. That'd be great. Why don't you go do that right now? I got important stuff to do." Another dip. Another pop. Another chocolate gummi bear down Warren's gullet. "Warren, listen to me," Jonathan said. "You've gone too far." Warren's eyes grew large. "Oh, *I've* gone too far, have I? What about you, Whineathan? You were in on all of it. You helped steal the diamond. You froze that guard. You were right there setting up the surveillance cameras on the Magic Box and all those other places. In fact, I think it was all your idea. Yeah, it's coming back to me. You were the one who wanted to be an evil genius, like Dr. Evil." He held his pinkie finger to the edge of his mouth and smirked. "No way! I wanted to be like Goldfinger!" Jonathan protested. "But that doesn't matter anymore. You killed someone, Warren. You killed Katrina. She's dead." "What, and you think the police are gonna believe you when you tell them that? Hunh? Seems to me you already did some time in the looney bin after you tried to off yourself that time in High School. Me? I'm clean. And you think they'll believe I did anything? You're the one with the record of violent behavior, and don't you forget it!" "I didn't do it," Jonathan protested. "You did. You're the one who made that... that thing to mind control chicks in the first place. You're the only one who got a shot at her, and you're the one who killed her. Warren, this isn't fun anymore. It's serious and it's gonna get more people killed. I don't want it to get us killed." "You mean you don't want it to get you killed," Warren sneered as another gummi bear met its doom. "You always were a wimp." "I'm just trying to look at this logically. You know, like Spock would. The stuff you've done - the stuff we've done - it's bad, Warren. And sooner or later someone's gonna figure it out and we're gonna be in a lot of trouble. Every time I've done something like this, Buffy's stopped me. She stopped you before and she stopped Andrew's brother. She'll find a way to stop us now." "The Slayer? Buffy?" Warren snorted in derision. "She's a total basket case. Hell, she almost turned herself in for that stupid bitch's death." "Stupid bitch - ? Warren, she was your girlfriend." "She was just another woman. Okay when she spread her legs, but nothing but misery every time she opened her mouth. We almost got rid of two for the price of one. If it hadn't been for Spike..." "And that's another thing," Jonathan piped up. "Buffy may not be up to Tasha Yar class right now, but she's got a vampire and two witches on her side. Plus, I know we haven't seen him around lately, but Mr. Giles? The old librarian from our school? He gets kinda scary when people do stuff he doesn't like to Buffy. I heard he beat up Snyder once." Warren looked thoughtful as he continued to down gummi bears. "So you're saying we should stop being evil geniuses because we're gonna get caught and a librarian is gonna smack us around?" "I'm saying what we're doing is wrong and it's gonna get a lot of people hurt. Maybe even killed. Probably at least one of us. You know the bad guy always gets killed at the end of the movie." "Unless they need him for the sequel. Darth Vader lives, man!" "Only til the end of Return of the Jedi." "He was back for Phantom Menace." "Prequel. Not the same thing. We already know how the story ends." "Yeah, and we know the middle where he ran most of the Empire." He swallowed another handfull of gummi bears. "Under Emporor Palpatine." Jonathan pointed out. "He never got to be boss. He never got to be number one. Don't you see, Warren? No matter how evil you are, you're only gonna end up working for someone more evil and you're gonna end up getting toasted while a bunch of Ewoks dance on your grave. Is it really worth it? Is there anything remotely logical about choosing to live that way? Face it, Captain Kirk was the one who got the chicks. Han Solo probably got laid more times than he could count. Even Data gets more pussy than us. Bad guys get a little power for a bit, but they die miserable and horny. Do you really want to spend the rest of your life jerking off while somebody else gives you orders on how evil to be? Does that make any sense at all?" "So you're saying what? We should turn outselves in as evil masterminds?" Warren scoffed. "First off, they'll never believe us... well, me, anyway. Second, how much pussy do you think we'd get in prison? Huh? I got news for you, Short Round. *We'd* be the pussy in prison. Now you and Andrew might like getting bent over and taking it like a man, but not me." Jonathan stood silent for a moment, his mouth hanging open. "Didn't think of that, did you, genius?" Warren smirked. "No," Joanathan breathed. "Of course not. Turn ourselves in? You gotta be kidding! I was talking about going to Mexico or something and starting over. Not as evil geniuses." "Not turning ourselves in?" "No way! We'd be deader than the guy in the red shirt with no name on the Original Trek away team!" Warren devoured one more gummi bear as he thought. At last he stood and began to clear his workspace. "Y'know, I think you got something there, Sparky," he said. "But we'd better go in disguise so nobody knows it's us." He handed Jonathan a long, blonde wig. "You can wear that outfit you wore when you played the Slayer that night. You looked so cute in it, I bet Andrew'll just eat you up!" He laughed nastily and gathered up his equipment. As he left the basement, Jonathan stared at the wig. "I've got a bad feeling about this." At last, he sighed, put the wig on his head and started up the stairs. It wasn't like he'd left himself many choices.