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Pairing: None Rating: PG Spoilers: Through Dear Boy. Takes place shortly after that ep. Summary: Angel contemplates his relationship with God. Date Written: 1/31/01 Author's Notes: This is in response to Ragna's challenge #64 on You Got The Stones?: "I started going back to church again, and that inspired this challenge. I want a song fic where Angel has to retrieve something from a church (any denomination) and ends up speaking with a holy person there while flashing back at times on his trip towards redemption. Must have the song "Deliver Me" by Sarah Brightman, a holy relic being brought to the church, Wesley or Cordelia waiting back at the office while Gunn waits in the car, a stained glass window and an accidental spill of holy water." [indicates memory]. Lines taken from the following Buffy and Angel episodes: Amends, Graduation Day 1, Dear Boy, The Prodigal Dedication: To Ragna. Accept this humble gift.
[No matter how good a boy you are, God doesn't want you!] Darla's words fill my head as I mount the steps of the church. A Catholic church, offering the same brand of salvation I rejected in life. I laughed at the cross then. Now it burns. [No matter how good a boy you are, God doesn't want you!] God, the Powers That Be, Buddha. The name doesn't matter. I work for Him, Them, Her... I don't know which is right, but I work for the right. At least, I think so. But does He want me? Deliver me, out of my sadness. [God doesn't want you! God doesn't want you!] Whether he wants me or not, I have a job to do. I was hired to see this relic safely to this church, and I'm going to do it. The crucifix is wrapped in heavy cloth in part to protect it from the elements, but even more so to protect me from it. Cordelia and Wesley both offered to take it to the church, but I left them back at the office. They're waiting for me, wondering if I know what I'm doing any more. I'm not sure I do. Gunn offered to carry it on the final leg of its journey, but I told him to stay in the car. I took the job. I have to see it through. All of my life I've been in hiding. [No matter how good a boy you are...] As I enter the church, I grow more nervous. Apprehensive. If God doesn't want me, what will He do to me in His own house? Will He take this opportunity to smite me? Should He? Is that what I want of Him? Or is it just what I think I deserve? [Look, I'm weak. I've never been anything else. It's not the demon in me that needs killing, Buffy. It's the man.] I see the stained glass window behind the altar. An angel brandishing a sword. I fight down the urge to laugh. Even in life, I knew better than to laugh in church. Of course, the punishment at my father's hand would have been swift and severe. Is that why I chose this name for my unlife? Many vampires keep their names in death as they did in life. Liam. The sound of my name is foreign to me now. I no longer go by that name and the accent I use would never have been recognized where I was born. I am not who I was in life. Or even through the majority of my death, thus far. [A more dutiful son you couldn't have asked for, My whole life you've told me in word, in glance, what it is you required of me, and I've lived down to your every expectation, haven't I?] The drink, the women, the gambling, the pointless brawls, I was no prize in life. Why did I become so different when I was cursed with my own soul? And what made the Powers choose me to fight for them? Are they what is meant by God? My head spins with questions that seem to have no answer. Darla. Why is she back? How? Why can't I get her off my mind? They've all told me to forget about her; Wesley, Cordelia, even the Host at Caritas. [Hey, I set people on their paths, okay? And this is way off your path sweetie. Go Home.] But I can't stop. She's back, she's human, and I have to know why. I killed my Sire, and now she haunts me in human form. [God doesn't want you!] Church is no place of one of my kind. There's too much blood on my hands. And my teeth, for that matter. The blood of countless faceless victims, and just a few whose names I know as well as my own. Drusilla, William, Jenny, Giles. Buffy. It still haunts me that I nearly drained the woman I loved. [Drink me] I did love her. Sometimes I still do, when I can see past Darla. [God doesn't want you!] Buffy was the one who believed in me through everything. She never stopped loving me - until I forced her to. Enough. I have a job to do and I'm going to do it. The priest is here now. I can give him the crucifix, pick up a new supply of holy water, and get out. Go back where I belong. Except he wants to talk. "Sit, my son. You look troubled. What do you want to know?" I can't help blurting it out: "Why am I here?" [Here? Back on Earth?] "To do good, I believe. And I understand that's what you do. It's not every vampire we would trust with such a precious symbol of faith. Nor, every vampire who would brave carrying it." "I should be in the demon dimension suffering an eternity of torture." [I don't feel particularly inclined to argue with that.] "Should you?" "But I'm not. I was freed, and I don't understand why." [Knowing why you were back would give you peace of mind?] "Knowing why you were back would give you peace of mind?" "It might." [You think that's something you ought to have?] "I truly wish I could give you that peace, my son. You deserve it. All I can tell you is that God has a plan for all creatures. What yours may be, well, that's between you and Him, now isn't it?" All of my life I was in hiding. "I want to be strong, Father..." [Strong is fighting! It's hard and it's painful, and it's every day. It's what we have to do. And we can do it together.] "Then be strong with God. That's what He's there for, you know." I couldn't repress a small laugh at that point. "What's so funny, my son?" "For a minute... you just reminded me of someone. Someone I used to know." "The sun will be up soon. You'd best be on your way." "I know. I can smell the sunrise long before it comes." I reach out my hand for the holy water, then draw back hurridly as the cap pops off and spills the precious, dangerous fluid. The priest apologizes and hurries to get more. When he returns, he apologizes again, but I've already got the message. All of my life I was in hiding. No matter how good a boy I am, God doesn't want me. But Darla does.
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