__How Do I Tell Her?__
By Sandra Pascoe
Oh God, she's looking at me again. I try and concentrate on the text
before me but I can feel her eyes upon me, I can feel her staring at me.
Don't blush . come on, get a grip, man . don't bloody blush! Is it getting
hot in here? Oh no, now I've started to fidget . take a deep breath, calm
down . thank goodness, she's finally looked away. Does she know? Has
she seen it in my eyes? God knows I've tried to hide it but maybe I
haven't been as successful as I thought. No, she can't know - it's not as
though Buffy could keep quiet about something like this. She's
suspicious . I can see it on her face. This has gone on long enough - I'm
going to have to tell her. I'm scared though . scared of how she will
react. If she already suspects then maybe she's had time to get used to
the idea. If, on the other hand, she has no idea then will she be totally
shocked? Disgusted? Revolted? That's my one real fear - I don't think I
could bear to see the disgust or revulsion in her eyes. The trust we've
built up between us, the bond we share, could be broken if I tell her. It
could change everything.
There are eyes watching me again. This time it's Willow. I think Willow
knows. She's been giving me encouraging little smiles all evening -
"resolve face" hasn't put in an appearance yet so I suppose I should be
thankful for small mercies. Oh no, now Xander's started. He's casting
glances between Buffy and myself as though he's sitting in Centre Court
at Wimbledon. Stop it, the pair of you. This is difficult enough as it is. I
can't go on like this but at the moment all I want to do is run into my
office, lock the door and never come out again. Come on, Giles, stop
behaving like a child, you're old enough to . yes, I know and that's part
of the problem, isn't it? No matter what anyone says, age is a definite
consideration. I'm old enough to . well, old enough to know better at
least.
Oh hell, she's looking at me again and . I knew I shouldn't have glanced
at her . she's pouting as well. Bloody hell, I never could resist that pout.
How am I going to tell her? I can't just blurt it out, it means too much.
It's too important to both of us. I have to approach this calmly, logically,
think it over rationally and not allow my emotions to overwhelm me.
Sounds good in theory, doesn't it? In practice, I'll stutter and blush so
much that it'll probably take me three weeks to tell her. She's not
looking at me anymore. She's gazing down at the book in front of her .
she's looking so lost and confused. Oh god, this is worse than I ever
thought it would be. I don't want to hurt her. I don't want her to start
treating me like a pariah. I don't want to lose the trust we have. So .
how on earth do I tell Buffy that I ate the last jelly donut?
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