"Nic! Nic! You up there, mate?"

"Well, of course I’m up here … honestly, where on earth did you expect me to be?"

"Alright, alright. Don’t get your index in a twist … I only asked!"

"What do you…? Oh … its Herbal, isn’t it?"

"That’s right, Guv."

"Yes, I thought I recognised that inimitable voice of yours … not to mention your impressive grasp of basic grammatical concepts."

"’Ere … you taking the piss?"

"My dear chap, I wouldn’t dream of it."

"I should think not. Anyway, me and the lads just wanted to say how impressed we was with your dive off the table."

"Oh? Well … thank you, Herbal."

"Not at all, Guv. Credit where it’s due. Never thought an oldie like you could do it."

"A backhanded compliment if ever I heard one."

"We thought it was very graceful … liked the way you edged towards the Slayer … made it look like she did it."

"Yes, unfortunately it didn’t seem to have the desired effect."

"That weren’t your fault."

"No, but I should have realised that, Mr Giles being the gentleman he is, he would pick me up for her."

"He checked her out, though."

"Yes but he will not act on his impulses."

"That’s what we thought … so … we’ve got another idea."

"Oh no!"

"Now, now, Nic. Wait till you hear this one … it’s a real doozy!"

"I don’t doubt it."

"Right, well, you’re up there with the posh books, right?"

"Yes."

"Okay, there must be a spellbook or two up there…"

"Actually, I think there’s only one small spellbook here. Mr Giles locks up the important books."

"Ahhh … well, could you have a word in the spellbook’s shell-like and see if he’ll help us out?"

"I would but the problem is that spellbooks generally consider themselves to be superior to the rest of us … most of them only speak Latin."

"Don’t you speak Latin?"

"Only a few words … look, what precisely do you have in mind?"

"We thought we could cast a spell on them … sort of a love spell … you know, get them going at it … I wouldn’t mind a love spell myself."

"Sorry?"

"There’s a guidebook down here … you should see the size of her bindings … ripples my pages all the time, she does."

"Yes … well… back to Mr Giles … I don’t think it’s a good idea."

"Why not?"

"Because Mr Giles would be overwhelmed with guilt when the spell wears off … it could destroy any relationship they may have."

"You really think so?"

"I’m certain of it."

"Well, you know his nibs better than any of us … bugger … we really thought we’d cracked it."

"Never mind. You keep trying … I’m sure you’ll find a way eventually."

"Eventually’s no good, mate! She’s the bloody Slayer! She ain’t gonna live forever, is she?"

"Yes, you have a very good point, there."

"Bloody right, I have!"

"Well … there is one possibility … sort of a last resort kind of thing."

"Yeah? Go on."

"Well, as you know, humans can’t really hear us. A few of the special ones can but, for the most part, they have absolutely no idea that we can converse."

"Yep, you’re right there, Guv. So, what’s the plan?"

"Well, there is a spell … I heard it a long time ago … it sort of opens the lines of communication. Enables you to converse directly with humans."

"Bloody hell, Nic! That’s perfect! You can tell him exactly how we feel, what he should be doing … the stupid, great lummox."

"You treat Mr Giles with more … hang on, what do you mean … you want ME to talk to him?"

"Well, yeah. You’re posh like he is … and you’ve known him for years, he’d listen to you."

"Oh, look, I don’t really think…"

"Yep, we’re all agreed down here, Guv. Even the American books think you’re the best choice."

"You … talk to the American books?"

"Course I do … they ain’t a bad bunch, really. Not as classy as us lot, obviously."

"Yes … well … I have difficulty understanding them. The accent, you know."

"Well, it takes a bit of getting used to … and they don’t talk proper – not like what we do."

"Noooo. So, what do you think I should say to him?"

"Well, tell him to pull his finger out and get shagging!"

"Oh, please!"

"Tell him whatever way you like, just tell him!"

"Oh dear, oh dear, oh dear."

"Come on, Nic, brace yourself. He’ll be here in a minute … it’s almost opening time."

"Maybe this isn’t such a good idea…"

"It’s a cracking idea … so, do you need anything for this spell?"

"No … it’s just a chant but the drawback’s are that you can only use it once and it doesn’t last long."

"Well, I think this is just the right time for it … ay-up, ‘ere he is … go on, Guv, go for it."

"Okay, here goes nothing … TENEBRAE LUMEN, AELIA JACTA EST, TENEBRAE LUMEN!"

"Is that it?"

"Yes … well…"

"Go on, then … get his attention."

"Right … um … yes … MR GILES!!"

"Bloody hell, Nic! Did you have to be so loud? His nibs almost shit ‘isself!"

"Oh, do be quiet … MR GILES … OVER HERE … THE BOOKSHELF."

"He’s coming … he’s coming over!"

"UP HERE, SIR … IT’S DEMONIC NECRONOMICAN, SIR!"

"Yes sir, no sir, three bags full sir…"

"AHHH, THERE YOU ARE, MR GILES, SIR … UM … THE BOOKS AND I …WE NEED TO TALK TO YOU …IT’S IMPORTANT."

"Yes, I can see that … I take it you performed the same spell my Grandfather did?"

"I DID, SIR, YES."

"Very well. What’s the problem?"

"Tell him, Nic, tell him he’s got to start shagging!! Ohhh, watch yer P’s and Q’s lads … Slayer’s arrived!"

"SIR, I WONDER IF YOU COULD TAKE ME TO THE TABLE? THERE ARE TOO MANY DISTRACTIONS HERE."

"Certainly … if it would help."

"Giles? Who are you talking to?"

"Oh … um … hello Buffy."

"Bloody hell, Nic – I can see where you picked up yer stutter from!"

"Buffy, I was talking to this book … and before you give me that look … they've… um … cast a spell so that they can tell me something important."

"Oookaay… books have done this?"

"EXCUSE ME, SIR … MADAM … BUT THIS IS RATHER IMPORTANT."

"Madam? Oh, I think I like this."

"Buffy … ssshhh. Please do go on … um … what do I call you?"

"WELL, IT APPEARS THAT ‘NIC’ WILL DO."

"Very well, Nic … how can I help you?"

"WELL, SIR … YOU’RE THE PROBLEM … YOU AND THE YOUNG LADY, SIR."

"Giles … does he mean me?"

"YES, MADAM. YOU SEE, FOR SOME TIME WE … THE OTHER BOOKS AND MYSELF … HAVE NOTICED THAT YOU, SIR, ARE IN LOVE WITH MISS SUMMERS."

"What? But … um …I…"

"AND YOU, MISS SUMMERS, ARE IN LOVE WITH MR GILES. WE FEEL IT IS ABOUT TIME YOU BOTH STOPPED DENYING IT TO YOURSELVES."

"Giles? Is he right?"

"Why don’t you tell me?"

"Well … yes, he is."

"Buffy…"

"Giles…"

"Yes!!! Bloody hell, Nic! You’ve only gone and done it!"

"Herbal? Done what? I can’t see from down here!"

"You’re really missing something, Nic!! Now, that’s what I call snogging! Whoa! They’re not stopping there, he's…"

"Herbal? It’s all gone dark … I can’t see … I can’t hear you, either! Owwww, there’s something on top of me … oh no … they’re not, are they? Oh, this really is the limit! After all I’ve done for them, they go and …yes, well … it must be uncomfortable for her … or him. I suppose I have to grin and bear it … certainly gives new meaning to ‘lie back and think of England.’ Oh, I can’t really complain though … at least I may get what I want now. Just relax and think about another young Mr Giles that you can be handed down to. Makes it all worthwhile that does. Ye Gods! They’re a bit enthusiastic, aren’t they? They’re moving me across the table!!! Hey, watch where you’re putting that!!"