__Where to Begin?__
By Monique and David Barton




Willow,

Where to begin? I'm not quite sure...

Yes, I am. Willow, please convey to Professor Dante
my sincerest apologies for prying into his past. I invaded
his privacy, and had no right to do so... Also explain to
him that I'm regretful for the slurs I made on his character.
While I personally don't like him... and, I must confess... am
very unlikely to. There was no reason for me to make any
personal insults to him... that was childish, and petty. And
lord knows, given my past if there is anyone who should
know the value of second chances, it's me. I am truthfully,
genuinely, most regretful.

I am also very, very, jealous. Heaven knows, I won't make
the same mistake I made before, I know you know that... but
Willow, I am more jealous than I have ever been before. Even
when... even the way I used to feel, when I used to see Oz,
or Tara kiss you and hold you... it's nothing to how I feel now.

To give you an example... even when I read your letter... which I
deserved every word of and more... While I read it, and I found myself
thinking about all the hurtful things I had said, how stupid I had
been... and all the regret... the sorrow I felt. I couldn't help but
think... “So... He's Richard now is he?"

That jealous.

I... I don't give of myself or of my feelings easily... as I'm sure
you know. Hell, it took some five years of knowing you and
moving eight thousand miles away and a severe depression...
Oh, and let us not forget a bottle and a half of scotch before
I could even start to indicate to you how I feel about... how
I have always felt about you.

But once I started, Willow... I couldn't stop... I didn't want to.
I'd be lying if I said that didn't scare me a little, but excite
me a lot more. Willow... and I don't want you to think I am
comparing you to anyone, because in my life, I have never,
NEVER met anyone who could compare to you. I'm sure you're
probably rolling your eyes at that right now, but if my word means
anything to you, I swear that it is true. There as never been
anyone in my life... that I could open up to more... that I could
feel happy showing how I feel.... I guess, to put it as best I
can. I have never met someone so strong, so-so much their
own person, and yet, felt so much a part of me. Am I making
any sense? You are... in a way... I don't feel complete, now
because I'm apart from you. I guess, what I am trying to say
is that... there has never been, and never will be... anyone I
could respect more... need more... or love more.

And I know what you are thinking right now... that if I respect
you so much... if I love you so much... why did I say what I did...
why was I so stupid, so selfish, and so... so... sucky, I believe
you would call it. And Willow as much as I want to, as much
as I wish I had a miracle explanation for my stupidity... for my
lack of respect... and for, well my cruelty. Willow... I can't.
There isn't one. There is nothing I can possible say to you, that
would make you want to forgive me. All I can tell you, is the truth.

I'm jealous.

And I'm a prat to.

Pathetic, isn't it? Here I am... I've slandered the name of someone
who seems like a perfectly nice person... I've insulted your
intelligence, your sense of judgment... Made it seem like I don't
trust you... and, worst of all... treated you in such... such a
contemptible fashion. And the only thing I can tell you
in response... is that I'm jealous? I really deserved this, didn't I?

I think in a lot of ways, one of the reasons, I was so jealous...
I won't lie to you Willow... I would always be a little jealous...
you are a very desirable, beautiful woman... and no matter how
you weigh your scales, with the sum of me, against the sum of you...
I come up short. Every night... since you said... since you said,
that you loved me... I've gone to bed, wondering if the next morning
will be the one where I wake up.

I'm sorry love, I let myself get side-tracked... one of the reasons,
I am so jealous of Professor Dante is... he seems... he is doing
a lot of things I used to do with you, Willow. And... well... it hurts.
More than a little. Everyday, he gets to see you... gets to smell
your hair in the mornings... to see your smile... to see those beautiful
eyes of yours... and to talk with you, to be with you... to see the
way you... you can light up a room when you are excited, or happy
about something... or the way you scrunch your nose, when you're
concentrating... and... he is the one you spent time with after college...
read with, help with his research. I can see you both, in my mind's
eye sitting together as we did, reading as we did... maybe even
arguing, as we sometimes did. Willow... and even though I am
so very grateful, he was there to stop whichever drunken reprobate
attempted to touch you... I wish to the high heavens and the low hells,
that it could have been me.

Willow... I don't want you to think ill of me, please... I'm not saying
that any of these things are wrong... or that you shouldn't have
any friends you choose... work with anyone you choose... That
you should be able to do anything you damn well please... I'm just
saying... that as irrational and stupid as it may be... when I think
of you with him.... enjoying the same kind of... familiarity, we had.
I can only think of how much I would give ANYTHING to be with you.
And he is. And he is getting to enjoy so many of the things that
used to make my life worth living... and that the memory of now...
give me a reason to carry on.

Well... I'm afraid that's the best I can do. I'm sorry I showed you so
little respect. I was so unkind to you... and Dante. And I am afraid
the best thing I can offer you as a reason, is that I love you, more
than I ever thought I could love anyone. Miss you more than I thought
was possible... and... with typical, Giles reasoning... thought the
best way to show you this affection would be to be as despicable
as possible, and practically beg you to leave me for a better... and,
no doubt, more trusting person. And my brother wonders why he's
the married one.

I tried to call... but I'm not surprised you didn't answer. I'm not even
sure if you will read this, or if I am destined for a date with your
wastebasket... But one last thing... assuming of course, you do
chose to open the letter... there is no Olivia and me... there never will
be. I have indeed bumped into her once and I'm not sure which
one of us turned the other way quicker. I mentioned Olivia, because
as I have said before... I'm a prat. You can probably add pillock to
that, too. And just so you know, the reason that things
never worked out with Olivia... never would work out with anyone...
is because she knows, as much as I do... that I love someone else.
With all my heart... and that there would never be a place in there...
for anyone else. Only you.

Yours,
Rupert.

***

Dearest Rupert,

How do you do that? Just when I think I couldn't possibly love you
more than I do and you go and get all doodley on me! You are the
most amazing man I've ever met.

I'm so ashamed of the way I behaved. Overreacting is a gross
understatement. I think I went over the edge, back around and over
again. Twice!

Sigh... I'm sorry. I'm the one, not you, that should apologize. I can't
believe I wrote those things to you. If I could have taken it all back, I
would have.

In fact, I nearly broke into the post office and stole back my letter, but
Xander said something about Big Bertha at Fulsom Prison just waitin'
for a tasty morsel like me, and I had a rethink on the whole felon thing.

But just barely. I even thought about casting a spell to burn the letter
before it got to you, but I was too upset and me and magic when I'm
emotional... Well, I don't need to tell you what a bad idea that is.

So, I let the letter go and with it any hope that you might still love
me. I mean, could I have been more childish? Well, probably, but
I was practically preschool. And each and every day, since I sent it...
I waited for your reply. I waited for you to tell me to go take a hike,
don't let the door hit me on the way out, go to H in a handbasket...
you get the idea.

And then, instead of a rebuke, instead of spurning me like the scum
I am, you shower me with so much love I thought I might die. I just
couldn't believe it. And then you go and take all the blame on yourself.
Well, that's not gonna happen, bub. This is my fault and you're not
going to bogart the guilt. I was the poopy one. I was so terrible to
you. Hurtful and mean. It's a little scary to realize I could be such
meanie. I'm sorry.

I was just so scared. And I freaked out. Pure and simple. Freakeage,
thy name is Willow.

When I saw you mention Olivia, I just felt so ugly and small. She's so
beautiful, like L'Oreal beautiful... and you've, well... been with her...
and all my insecurities crashed down like a tidal wave... and like a
drowning person, I tried to pull you down with me. It was a terrible,
horrible, icky thing to do. Here I was accusing you of not trusting
me and what was I doing? Sheesh.

How can you possibly be so wonderful? How can you forgive me
for everything I said? I know I don't deserve your forgiveness, but
I'll take it. Cause I need you too much. I need you to love me too
much.

I suppose that's not healthy. Needing something, someone that
much. And I'll try to have more faith in myself and trust your trust
in me. But when I think of you, I get all squiggly inside.

I wish I were with you right now. I want to sell everything I own and
fly out to England. They say some things are better for the waiting.
Well, whoever they are... they're full of beans. I want to be with you.
So much.

But I can't. Not yet. "Yet" being the operative word. I've done a little
math... and near as I can figure... I think... I can have enough to visit
by mid-February. As it stands right now, I'd have to jump out
somewhere over Newfoundland. You mentioned helping me with the
money part... and I think I'll only have enough saved to get to England...
so if you want to get rid of me... you'll have to pay, mister!

And just so that there's no confusion. No possible misunderstanding.
There is nothing between me and Professor Dante. Nothing. I love you.
Only you. No one can ever change that. Ever.

I want to be with you so much. To be able to look in your eyes and
feel your arms around me. I can't tell you how much I really need
that right now.

Not that anything is extra special wrong, just your run of the mill
Hellmouth fun, but since you left the sun seems to set a little earlier.
It's winter. I know. Stop that, I'm trying to be poetic here.

Where was I? Oh yeah. The nights are a little longer and when I'm
afraid, I think I shake a little harder. When you were here, even though
we weren't together, I knew you'd always be there for me. I just felt
safer, knowing you were near.

There are times these days, when I actually forget. I miss you so much,
there are times when I convince myself that you're just in your apartment.
A few miles away. And for that fleeting moment, I feel safe. Like I used to.

Did I ever tell you how much you meant to me all those years? To all
of us. After all the battles, all the demons, the things I've tried to
forget...
after each one, you were there. Your eyes warm with support and love
and you gave me a faith, just by being there, that everything was going
to be okay.

How I wish you were here right now. Nothing really bad happened.
Just a troll. But the thought of being able to see you, to even feel your
arms around me, to let all the badness fade away. Suffice it to say...
I want that very much.

But until then. I'll make due with dreamy thoughts and wistful smiles.

I didn't tell you this before, I was afraid you might think it was silly.

Remember when we all had to live with Xander, when he was still at
his parents? Well, apparently you left a shirt there or Xander stole it...
the details are bit fuzzy on that count. But, anyway... I sort of liberated
it from Xander's and well... I'm wearing it right now.

It's a plain white oxford. The sleeves are absurdly long and the shirt
tail goes down to my knees, but I love it. I know this sounds silly, but
it makes me feel safe. Like a part of you is holding me.

I think I'll wear it to bed tonight. I'm missing you more than usual and
maybe just for a few minutes... I can convince myself you're here, holding
me and everything will be all right.

I love you.

Yours forever,
Willow


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