__Love__
By Monique and David Barton
Willow,
Love.
I'm afraid this letter, might not make the best sense.
This is my fifth attempt of trying to say what, I need
to say... and I'm afraid, it doesn't seem to be quite
working. So... I'm just going to say things as they come
to me, with no correction. So... here goes...
First off...
I love you.
I love you, I love you, I love you, I love you, I love you.
I cannot begin to tell you... how long I have wanted to
say that to you, Willow. But I do... Truly, madly, deeply.
I cannot....I look forward to our letters, so much...
They are the high points of my days... I reread them, over
and over... I agonize, over the replies wanting to make
them perfect for you... I think of you, every minute, of
every day. I miss you, so much. I think of you... all of the
time... whenever I catch a smell, or see something that
reminds me of you... So, love... that is practically every
minute, of every day.
I LOVE YOU.
Willow... it's because I love you... I can't say, what
I want to say... just... I have to say, what's right? Or ...
although it is cliche... the way it has to be?
Love, this... we cannot be.
I want... I want nothing more, than to be with you, right
now... or to call you up, and hear your sweet voice... to
tell you, how I feel... I wish I could do that... that I could
come to you...
But... I cant. Willow... as much as I love you, it wouldn't
work. In all the time, I stayed in Sunnydale... hoping ...
that one day, I would find the courage to tell you how I
feel... Love... I knew ... that as much as I loved you, it
couldn't be... That's why, I moved away... it was getting
hard, Willow... harder each day, even though you had
someone else... not to turn around, and tell you how I feel ...
to show you. But... I knew I shouldn't... I knew that it would be
the wrong thing to do... a selfish thing.
Love... you are beautiful, wonderful, intelligent, and kind,
giving, loving, and adorable. I'm sure you break hearts
every day just by walking through rooms. What... What I'm
trying to say is that... there are many people out
there, who are as young as you, as beautiful as you, as ...
good as you. People who deserve you, and will be able
to love you, like you should be loved... and deserve to be.
I have accepted, an offer my friend made for employment,
at Oxford University ... its just a short tenure, at the moment ...
but assuming it passes with no incident. It is likely to be extended.
So... I do, I mean ... even, if I would allow myself to... I
couldn't come back to Sunnydale, like I wish I could.
Love... as much, as I wish it were otherwise... I can't...
Willow, I'm too old for you. I'm too far away, I'm too used up...
Love... no matter how I balance it, in my mind... I don't
deserve you... I don't want you to look back in a year ...
maybe two... and find yourself wishing you hadn't ...
hadn't chosen to fall in love, with a doddery old man.
Willow... I... I'm sorry, so, so sorry, if I've hurt you ...
believe me, it hurts me too... it hurts more than anything
I have ever had to do. But... it is for the best ... you'll
move on, and you'll fall in love again... and who ever you fall
in love with, will be so very lucky Willow... so *very*
lucky. The hurt, will fade ... you'll forget about me ...
and have the wonderful, loving life you deserve. I know
you will.
Willow... I'm sorry, I have ruined everything. I did
everything I could to stop myself from telling you how I felt ...
but in the end, I couldn't ... and I'm so sorry, Love…
Please forgive me. I... I love you, so very much... I don't...
Willow... I don't want to do this... I really don't ... but
I love you... and because I do, I have to...
The raven flies at midnight.
Love,
Giles
***
Dear Giles,
No. I refuse to accept that. The raven does NOT fly
at midnight. That damn bird is not going anywhere!
I know I said I could go back to the way things were,
but I was lying. Well, not lying really cause I thought
I could but then you have to go and say you love me
and then you expect me to just falala along?
No, no, no.
You love me. You said it. I mean wrote it. I can
see it right here. You love me. Don't you know
that I don't care about anything else? That I don't
need anything else?
My arm is black and blue cause I've been pinching
myself. I'm not sure if I'm trying to wake up from a
dream or a nightmare. You can't possibly expect me
to just pretend that none of this happened? How can
you expect that?
If you didn't love me, that I could learn to deal with.
I've lived most of my life loving people who didn't love
me back. But I cannot, knowing you might feel the way
I do, let this go, Giles. I won't.
I know you're scared. Heck, my hands are shaking
right now. I haven't slept in days. I'm a wreck, but I
don't think I've ever been so nervous or so excited
waiting for your letter. And then I opened it and saw...
"I love you."
I can't tell you. I cried and cried. I think the ink started
to run. And you said you thought about me all the time.
And I think about you all the time too. All the time.
Then you tell me I'm going to just forget you and fall
in love with someone else. How dare you? Do you
think so little of me? That I could just forget the way
I feel? If you really knew how I feel right now, you
would never say that. And fall in love with someone
else? You make it sound like I'm picking a CD. I
didn't choose this. Do you think I'd choose to fall in
love with a big poopy pain the ass like you?
I had no choice. I just fell. The Powers That Be or
The Fates or whoever made me love you. And I could
change the course of a river, before I could change
the way I feel about you.
Or is your love for me a temporary thing? Can you
turn it on and off? Can you simply choose for it to end?
I know you. At least I think I do. And the man I love,
the man I know you are, isn't like that. You run too deep.
You wouldn't have said those things to me. Those
beautiful things, if you didn't mean them. So don't turn
your back on me now. Don't you do that.
I need you.
I think I told you how much I love you, but did I tell
you how much I need you? I wish I were a poet or
artist, so I could show you. But I'm just me, and I
can't find the words. Maybe there aren't words for
it, but damn it. If you love me, I'm going to fight tooth
and nail for you.
The hardest thing I ever did was telling you that I loved
you. But you know what? It gets easier each time I do it.
I love you, Rupert Giles.
And I won't let you get away. Not now. Not ever.
Love,
Willow
* * *