__I'm Sorry__
By Monique and David Barton
Dearest Willow,
I'm sorry.
Willow, you must be the most stubborn, head strong ...
beautiful ... unable to take no for an answer, obstinate
person, I have ever met. And for that, I am the most
grateful person who ever walked the earth.
Oh, love I hope you can forgive me, for some of
the things I said before. Please ... anything I can do
to make it up to you. You have but to name it, and it
will be done. I do love you, Willow ... so very, very
much ... with all of my heart, and all of my soul... So
much, that sometimes, it can even scare me a little, love.
I've never felt so... I have never needed anyone so
much... Willow, you are my whole life. It's as simple,
and as complex as that... As you feel, I feel... When
your heart beats, mine beats in tune... I love you.
You're right ... it does get easier to say ... because it
is true... I'm so, so sorry Willow, for putting you through
that torment, love. You are so very brave. I know how
hard it must have been to find the courage to
tell me how you feel ... and then to have me rebuke you ...
For any reason, no matter how good ... or how cowardly,
my intentions at the time ... and to be able to find the
strength, to tell me again. Oh Willow... I'm so sorry... I
really am... In your place, I don't know if I would be able
to find that sort of courage. And you can't see how brave
I think you are? I spent years trying to gain the courage
to tell you ... and I still couldn't ... tell you how I felt. I mean...
not until I had moved away ... and ... well ... giving up all
hope of ever being happy. Willow... I don't think I will ever
be able to forgive myself for what I put you through...
But I want you to know, that I will never make you feel
like that again... I love you far too much.
But darling... I know... I know, I didn't do a very good
job of putting it the right way, to understate for my country ...
but a lot of what I said before is still true. I mean, that is...
I'm so far away from you now, for one thing ... and as I
said before I accepted the job offer from my friend, and
I'm now contracted to work at the University, at least until
the spring ... After all the efforts he went to (I gather the
university were somewhat leery given my.. unconventional
... past dealings with them.) I wouldn't want to leave him
in the lurch. And, of course... I'm not entirely convinced
your parents will be happy with you beign involved with
someone much older than you ... indeed, I believe that will
probably be the concise opinion of pretty much everyone ...
and I do wonder how the rest of the gang will react...
I don't care. Well, I mean, of course I do care, and I'm
sure you do too, but frankly ... it doesn't matter... I love
you, Willow Rosenberg. And when I think of that, when
I think of you ... there is nothing I couldn't overcome ...
no obstacle, that together ... we couldn't master. Willow...
... What I wouldn't give to be able to hold you right now...
To wrap my arms around your waist ... to smell your hair
again ... to feel your body against mine... I.. I miss you
so much, love. I've missed you ever since I stepped on
that blasted plane and left Sunnydale... I've thought of you
each and every day ... and dreamt of you each and
every night... There is one dream I have had rather a lot...
I could close my eyes right now and play it before in my mind.
I've thought of it so often.
In my dream, I've come back to Sunnydale. You don't know
I'm coming, no one does, but I have returned to see you...
You're sitting on one of the benches in the campus of the
university... I'm just a little off to the side, behind a tree, and
I can see you clearly, but you can't see me... I watch you,
for a moment basking in your beauty... It is one of those
lovely days of bright California sun I have come to miss so
much, and a gentle breeze flows through your hair, making
a single lock hang in front of your eyes.. You are the very
essence of beauty, and I could stand and watch you forever
and be content…But I see that you seem a little sad, however,
eyes not quite as bright as I remember ... and in my dream
I know it is because you have missed me every bit as much
as I missed you. I slowly approach, carefully. Nervous. My
heart pounding in my chest. I slow, until I am within two paces
of you ... my dry mouth opens slowly, and softly… I say your
name.
You stand slowly, not yet turning, just a little way in front of me...
You're wearing that light green dress you wore, last spring...
Slowly, you turn to face me, and our eyes meet ... and a smile
lights your face, and I know I have one of my own . The smile
opens my heart and love for you fills me. In that one moment,
all of these months apart, all that hurt slips away from
me. I have you, and nothing can keep me from you again.
I step towards you as you come forwards to meet me.
Unable to stop myself, I reach out to you, slowly stroking
your face, all along your cheek ... Your skin is soft under
my hand, and as your sparkling eyes close, your lips turn
upwards in a pleasured expression... I let the back of my
hand glide back down your cheek one more time and then
turn it over slowly running the flat of my palm along the
other cheek… I feel my thumb touch your bottom lip
gently as my fingertips stroke your hair... Your lip is so
soft under my thumb, and as I move it away slowly, your
lips pout outwards leaving a little gap... I slowly lean down,
unsure where the boldness is coming from, but unable to
stop myself, even if I had wished to, for I am caught in your
spell now. And our lips touch in our first kiss. It is gentle at
first, but it passionate. Slowly, your lips yield into a wider
gap, allowing me to deepen our kiss. My hand has gently
floated to the back of your head, leaving a delightful muss in
its wake. When the kiss is full, the feeling is electric.
And... I think I'll stop there. I usually wake up then anyhow...
Usually...
I'm going to have to rush now to get it into our last post. So,
I'll stop there... I just want you to know, that I love you ...
that I'll be thinking of you ... and dreaming.
My love,
Rupert Giles
***
Dear Rupert,
Wow.
I've been trying to figure out what to say. Your last
letter was so.. wow... I mean I know what I want to
say, but I can't say things like that. Can I? No, that
would be way too honest and not that I'm not being
honest, cause I am, but there's an honesty plateau
where you just end up making an idiot of yourself ...
not unlike what I've just done.
Okay, I'm fine. I swore to myself I wouldn't lose it
and here I am crying again. But it's a different kind
of crying, not the fingers in the car door kind or
even the Hallmark commercial kind ... it's just sort
of happening. I've sprung a leak and I can't seem to
stop. I guess it's just cause I'm so happy, so
relieved. I know I was like super confident gung-ho
girl in my last letter, but inside I was a big puddle
of fraidy-goo. It seems my bravery has a very short
half-life. It's like the uranium of courage. I'm
strong like bull one minute then, big pile of
fraidy-goo the next.
Like last night's patrol. I told that demon guy where
he could stick his horns then ran like the dickens.
And why do they say that? Was Charles Dickens a really
good runner? Did he write a little Nicholas Nickleby
and then go for a jog?
Have I mentioned yet how much I want to kiss you?
Cause I do. I think about it all the time. I thought
about it when I shouldn't have been thinking about it.
In fact, I'm thinking about it again right now.
I love your dream. I've had a few dreams about you
too. They used to end with me doing something stupid,
embarrassing myself usually. But not anymore. Now they
end... Well, they end differently. Better. Much, much
better.
One part of me is really happy you took that job at
Oxford. I mean, Oxford! That's so exciting. I know
it's not a big deal to you, but for the girl from
Sunnydale, it's pretty amazing. And you teaching at
Oxford. Will you wear tweed again? I have to admit
that there were times in the library when you were
wearing one of your tweed suits and I thought you were
so gorgeous I could barely breath. Not that I don't
think that all the time, but the idea of you walking
around the Oxford campus all tweedy and intellectual.
That is so sexy.
I wish I could kiss you right now.
Oh, I got a job!! Yay me. It doesn't pay much, but I
wanted to earn a little money. I thought, maybe, if
you'd think it was a good idea, and if you don't
that's okay. But if you did... I thought I might come
and visit you. Since you can't come here, I could go
there. Maybe? It'll take me a little while to get
enough money, but I think if I'm willing to fly in the
cargo hold, I'll have enough in a month or two. Is
this a good idea? Or a colossally bad idea? Sometimes,
when it comes to you, I can't tell. I get sort of so
caught up in the idea of *you* that the rest of the
idea gets lost in a haze.
Like now... Where was I? Oh yeah, the job. Did I
mention Professor Dante? He's really great. I was
thinking about being his TA, but when he found out I
needed money he offered me the position as his
personal assistant. Isn't that great? It pays better
than the school job and he's pretty flexible about my
hours. Don't worry, I won't let it get in the way of
all the other things. I'll still be a Scoobie - one
hundred percent .. and he lives really close to the
main cemetery so ... that's really convenient. I even
got a beeper! It's like my own little bat signal,
except it's not in the night sky and there's no
Commissioner Gordon.. but if there's evil that needs
afightin', I'll be there.
I just stopped writing for minute to reread your
letter for the hundredth time. And even though you're
right, my parents won't be thrilled if they ever come
home to even find out. And I don't know what the rest
of the gang will think. It'll be a shocker, that's for
sure. I mean, I'm in the relationship and I'm shocked.
Wow... I'm in a relationship with you. Aren't I? I
know it's a screwy long-distance letter only
relationship, but even with all those things between
us I can feel you. Did you know that? I can feel you.
It's hard to describe, but if I concentrate I can
sense you. Or at least a part of you and that makes it
all okay. Feeling you with me, even just a tiny bit,
makes everything all right.
And if I feel this way now, I can barely imagine what
I'll feel like with you right next to me. Touching me.
Holding me. I think I might burst.
It's funny. I feel so undone. Like I'm unfinished
somehow, and yet... I don't think I've ever felt more
whole. I know that's a terrible contradiction, but
it's how I feel. On the one hand, I'm out of control,
floating ... and then at the same time... I feel more
sure of things than I ever have before.
Well, I should get going. I have to get to work. I'm a
working girl! Well, not a working girl-working girl,
but you know what I mean.
I miss you more than words can say and love you with
everything I am.
Yours (and I mean that!),
Willow
* * *