__I Miss You__
By Monique and David Barton




Dearest Willow,

I miss you.

I apologize for writing again so soon. I just wanted to
make sure that I got another letter to you before the
holidays. This of course is assuming that giving the
combined ineptness of Royal Mail and your Postal
Service, you don't receive this letter sometime in
midsummer.

Now... I'll start again, as I appear to have lost my train
of thought. Forgive me please, Willow if I do. I'm afraid
half a bottle of scotch, has that effect on me. Another thing
I told myself I wouldn't do again. Still, I hardly have a
reason to abstain now... and it is the holidays, after all.

Oh! My Brother! I haven't told you yet, have I? I met with
my brother... things went well. Better than I excepted,
actually. He introduced me to his family. Yes, it may
seem impossible to believe, but some members of the
Giles clan, actually do have normal lives and families,
and loved ones... I'm getting ahead of myself.

My brother yes... so, he invited me into his home... It's
a very nice house, by the way. You would like it. Anyway,
he invited me into his home, to spend time with his family...
he has three lovely children... Well, I don't know that
they are lovely per se, I haven't known them for very long.
Presumably, they are lovely. They certainly seem to be.
His wife is very charming.

Anyway... as I was about to say, I'm in a home... surrounded
by family... surrounded by generosity and love... this should
be a wonderful time, shouldn't it? I should be filled by
fellowship and goodwill to all men.

I'm not. Willow... Willow, I haven't been this miserable, since...
Well, actually I guess I have been pretty miserable for a
while now... Pretty much every single day since I left
Sunnydale, and a few before that. But at least then, I had
hope. And friends... and family. My real family.

I miss you all... so very much. I miss Buffy, I miss Xander...
I even miss Anya. If you had told me that for any reason,
I would miss Anya this time three months ago... Well, I would
have told you, that you were wrong. I miss Sunnydale, I miss...

Willow... I miss you.

I miss you so much. I miss seeing your beautiful, shining
face in the mornings... your adorable smile... which, somehow,
in even the direst of situations, can dispel my worries. I
miss researching with you. I miss your tea... it tastes different
to mine, no matter how hard I try. I miss the way your hair
smells in the mornings. I miss your uncanny ability to utterly,
utterly frustrate me one moment, and then delight me the next.
I miss hearing your voice, late at night just before I go to
sleep, and again when I wake up.

There isn't a single thing about you I don't miss. Not one.

... So, how are things in Sunnydale? I hope Buffy's mother
is feeling somewhat better, and Buffy is better able, and
fully prepared for her patrols. I must be honest, and say
that I was not overly ecstatic when I heard that you were
going on patrols in her stead... even with Xander and Anya.
Not that I in anyway doubt your capability, because I don't.
You are one of the smartest people I have ever known, you
are the strongest, you're fully adept in spells that people
who have studied for magic for a lifetime, haven't
mastered. Powerful, Willful, Beautiful...

... I'm sorry, I did have a point... but I seem to have lost it.
How is Riley? Adapted to "civilian" life yet? I hope he
does...
it would be nice to know, that at least for some of us, it's
possible. Still... I hope he has the good sense, to realize
how lucky he is... that he has what he really wants... that he
is young enough to make changes, and adjust...it's just up
to him not to let it drift it away. Were that we were all that lucky.

I trust things remain reasonably subdued on the supernatural
side of things? That's one thing at least I should fairly be
guaranteed... over here.

Now... I hope you like the attached present... I worried a little...
well, I'll be honest, a lot, that I wouldn't find you anything, *just*
right... until I saw it. It reminded me so much of you... I
couldn't resist. I hope it wasn't, or I should say, that you
wouldn’t think ill of me, buying you jewelry... it just
seemed appropriate... it reminded me of you. But then, a
lot of things do. Which is good, very good... it seems, just
lately, that the only times I am happy, are when I'm thinking
of you, or reading your letters.

Oh... there is a place... now, this might sound a little strange,
but it reminds me of you, so much. I find myself spending
more and more time there... it seems to have, in a strange way,
a similar effect to the one you always had on me... the
feeling... of being home, of being happy, content... of whatever is
going wrong, outside... There, then, with you... things were
wonderful... things would be O.K, and well... it felt, like... home.

Of course. It doesn't compare with you. Oh no, no, no...
but then how could it? It's a place... and as wonderful, as it
is... it's not you. It is beautiful... but as beautiful, as you?
And, nothing... no place, no person... could replace
you... the way I felt, in your presence. Nothing.

...How is school? Forgive me not asking before...
I fear that in my dotage, I have given in to rambling.
How is your... wonderful... anthropology professor...
Dante? Wasn't it? I'm extremely suspicious of such a
name, myself... but then, forgive me my bias. I'm allowed
to fret, and worry, and even be a little jealous... I think
I'm allowed that. I mean, after all... he gets to stand
across from you, to speak to you, to look at you,
and occasionally see you look at him... maybe even smile...
and right now, there isn't a single thing on this earth,
I wouldn't give... to see you, just one more time.

Well now... both the emptiness of the bottle before me,
and the increased spideryness of my handwriting, would
seem to indicate, that I have taken up enough of your time.
Forgive me, please... I think I'll retire now... hopefully...
to dreams of you. Always pleasant... Till I wake up.

I know you must be busy, what with it being near the
holidays and all... But if you could spare the occasional
thought for an old man in England... Who's thinking of you.

My love always,

Rupert Giles

XxX

***

Dear Giles,

Wow. Okay... wow.

I've read your letter about a dozen times and I don't
know what to say. Actually, that's a fib. I do know,
but I... I'm not sure it's what you want to hear. I
mean, I know what I read in your letter, I'm just not
sure you wrote it the way I read it, you know?

Oh, tea's ready. Be right back.

Uhm, the holidays were okay here. It was kind of
weird. Riley went back to the Initiative, which was
sort of out of left field. I mean, weren't they the
ones that used him, drugged him and did bad
government things?

Buffy's doing okay, I guess. She's not really talking
about it much. I know she's hurting, but I guess it's
all for the best. I don't know.

Her mom is doing great. The surgery was a complete
success so that's a huge relief; but... Riley just
couldn't stay. I know he loved her and I think she
loved him, but...

Xander sort of explained what happened. I guess Riley
just couldn't stay here being so close to what he
wanted and still so far away. You know Buffy. She has
trouble letting people in and I guess, Riley never
really got in. I... I don't really know, Buffy's gone
into retreat and regroup mode. I know she'll talk when
she's ready and in the meantime, she's spending a lot
of quality time with her mom and Dawn, which is good.

I stopped by their house on Christmas. It's funny, in
my family we never really celebrated Hanukkah and
Xander's family never really did Christmas, so I was
used to just playing it as it lays. I mean, I always
try to get in the spirit of it all, but this year was
extra hard.

My parents were in Europe, big surprise, so I just
sort of made the rounds. I went to Xander and Anya's,
but I didn’t stay long. I've been a third wheel enough
of my life to know when make myself scarce. Not that
they said, "Here's your hat, what's your hurry?" Or
anything. They were really nice, but I could tell they
wanted to be alone and I can't blame them.

Then I went to the Summers' and had some eggnog. It
was kind of gross, but Mrs. Summers did put some
brandy in it, so that was good. Don't worry, not too
much. Just enough to kill the nog taste.

But I didn't stay there either. Since Mrs. S's
surgery, they've sort of pulled together, which is
good and I know Buffy really needs her family right
now, so I left.

I didn't really have anywhere to go. My parent's house
hasn't felt like home in a long time and the dorms are
uber lonely over the holidays, so I went the only
place I could think of. Our library. I know it was
technically your library, but I sort of felt like it
was mine too.

Don't worry, I used wards and had a big stinky
scapula, so I was baddie-free. I know, why would I go
there? But it was the only place I felt.. well,
anything. But it was too depressing. Kind of felt like
the ghost of Christmas past was gonna pop out. And I
don't think I could deal with that right now. You'd
think they'd tear it down or something, but I guess
there's not a big call for real estate in Sunnydale.

I'm really starting to hate this reflection thing. Not
the mirror kind. I did what you asked, by the way, and
I didn't really like what I saw. I know I'm not ugly,
but... Anyway...

What I meant about reflection is this whole end of the
year, where have I been sort of taking stock. I looked
back and I just saw boo-boo after boo-boo, regret upon
regret. You'd think someone my age wouldn't have so
many. But it seems like I never make the right choice.
Always zigging when I should be zagging.

You think I'm courageous, but I'm not. All I seem to
do is run away. If you only knew how much of the time
I'm scared. Not just of dying, cause that's pretty
high on my list of things to be afraid of, but other
things.

Like right now. I don't think I've ever been more
scared in all my life.

Now, I want you to make me a promise. I'm going to do
something and I need you to promise me that, no matter
what, you'll still be my friend. Don't make that face,
Giles. I mean it. This is hard.

If you read the rest of this letter and think I've
made a mistake, I need you to promise me you'll burn
it and never mention it again. I don't want to lose
your friendship, I can't lose that... so if you don't
want to, don't read the rest of this... please, Giles.

This is the point of no return, Giles. Please don't
read past here if you don't think you can at least
pretend none of this happened.

One last chance...

Okay, here goes. Gosh, why is this so hard? My hands
are shaking. I can do this. I can.

Breathe.

Maybe it'll be easier if I start from the beginning.
Not the beginning-beginning, but ...

Sigh...

Giles, I... ohhh, I'm so scared. But this is the right
thing to do. I don't want to make the same mistakes
again. What's the point in feeling things if you don't
tell people? They don't know, I mean really know for
sure, unless you say it.

I miss you. And that's officially the understatement
of the year. That isn't what I wanted to say, but it's
part of it anyway. I didn't realize how much I needed
you until you were gone. Maybe I did realize it, but
pretended I didn't. I know I'm not a very good liar,
at least to other people, but I'm world class when it
comes to lying to myself.

What I really want to say is. I think you about all
the time, and not just like a friend thinks about
another friend. I think about you that way too, but
sometimes... lots of times, most of the time... I wish we
were more. I know I'm too young and million other
things, but none of them can change the way I feel.

I love you.

I can't believe I actually wrote that. Oh dear goddess.
But... I mean it, I really do. It scares me more than
anything ever. But I trust you more than anyone. And I
know that even if you don't feel the same way I do,
you'll do everything you can not to hurt me. And
that's just one of the things I love about you. I know
that I can give you my heart and no matter what you
won't squish it. So, there it is. Be gentle with it.

I know I've crossed an invisible line that all friends
sort of agree not to, but I had to. This is one chance
I had to take, even if you don't feel the same way. I
didn't want to live another day without you knowing
how much you mean to me. It's really important to me
that you know that. Whatever happens, I just wanted
you to know.

I've thought about this... about you, long before all
this stuff with Riley happened. But I don't want any
more regrets Giles, any more things that aren't said.
I know this puts you in an awkward position and I'm
sorry for that, but if you want to... I can go back to
the way we were. I can do that.

Maybe we should have a code phrase or something so you
don't have to mention this stuff. Maybe your next
letter, if you want to keep writing, could say. I
cherish our friendship or something... or maybe we
should go for something kinda spy-like... the raven
flies at midnight... and if you say that I know that
you don't feel the same way I do and we can just
pretend none of this happened. I think that might be
best. That way, you don't have to try to find a nice
way to let me down gently.

So, if you want to just rewind all of this. Just say...
the raven flies at midnight and... I'll laugh and I'll
cry and we can go back to the way things were. Deal?

I'm gonna go mail this before I chicken out. Oh, I
love, love, love my present. I'm wearing it right now.
The chain's a little long, but I don't mind. This way
the pendant rests just above my heart. And I think
that sort of fits.

Love,
Willow


* * *