__I'm Home__
By Monique and David Barton
Dear Rupert,
I'm home... sort of... sitting in my apartment anyway.
First things first.... I miss you and I love you.
I started this letter on the plane ride home, but I just couldn't
write. I still sort of feel a little numb, like I'm sleepwalking.
I think maybe I left part of myself back there with you. I don't feel
quite right, you know? Like part of me is missing. But I have
all my arms and legs, I even counted my toes... but still
something didn't make it back with me. Something important.
I guess I'll get used to living without it. I mean, I'll get by, right?
It's not like I won't ever see you again. It just might be a while.
I can wait a while. I think...
It's weird. Part of me feels like I just stepped off the plane, which
since I only got home yesterday isn't too far off, so that part's pretty
smart... but then the other part of me feels like it's been forever
since I saw you...
I guess it doesn't matter if it's a day or a week or a year.. any time
away from you feels like forever. But I'm not going to dwell on the bad
stuff. Nope, not gonna be a dweller. No dwelling here. That's my
new commandment. Thou shalt not dwell.
So, witness my not dwelling.
School's well... it's school. You've got your learning and your
teaching... your basic schoolisms.
Sunnydale hasn't changed. Not that it would, I mean I was only
gone for a weekend... even though it feels like a lifetime. If only
it could be...
Oops... nearly started dwelling there. That was close.
I think it's been a hundred words or so since I told you I miss you
and that I love you. Now, you see I don't consider that dwelling. I
give myself special dispensation for telling you I love you... cause,
well.. I love you.
And in case you were wondering, loving you is the best thing
in the whole world.. well, next to loving you *and* being with
you.
Speaking of you. How are you? Is Oxford still standing? How
are your classes? Do your students have spring fever? I think I
do... that would explain why I can't seem to concentrate on
anything. Well, that and the fact that I miss you with every fiber
of my being and I can't seem to live without you.
Okay, that was dwelling. Shame on me.
It's just that... well, now that I've been with you.. and yes, I'm
blushing... I don't like how it feels to be without you. It's not
fair. And, yes, I know life isn't fair, but I think I've earned a good
pout.
Pouting's different from dwelling. Okay, so it's a fine line, but I
can't help it. I can remember how it felt to be in your arms, to feel
your kisses... and I want to feel that way again. I miss that. I miss
you.
How can I feel so many things at the same time? Each conflicting
with the next....
I know I'm the luckiest person in the world and yet, I feel like I'm
being punished. I have you and yet I don't have you. Knowing you
love me makes me feel whole and not being with you empties
me out.
I can feel the phantom memories of your caresses, comforting
and torturing me all at the same time.
My memories sustain me and haunt me. Each vision reminds
me of what I can't do. I can't reach across the table and take your
hand. I can't see you watching me as I wake in the morning. I can't
feel your body against mine as I fall back to earth. I can't look
into your eyes and know that no matter what else happens in the
world, I'll always have your love.
I know... I'm dwelling... dwelling and crying.. I'm the crying
dweller... but I can't help it... I miss you.
All I can think about are the things I miss. The things I can't
have until we're together again. And I think the worst part is...
I don't have any idea when that will be. I wish so much that
we'd talked about that. I wish I could count the days till I'd
see you again.
This not knowing is killing me.
God, I miss you.
"Willow."
Okay, I'm losing it. I could have sworn I heard your voice.
"Willow."
There it is again. I'm starting to hallucinate. that's never good.
Maybe I'm dreaming...
"It's not a dream."
Willing it to be so, Willow slowly put the pen down and turned
around in her chair. And there, through the tears, she saw him.
Real and standing right behind her.
"Rupert?"
He answered with an amazing smile and reached out to help her
to her feet. Their hearts pounding, he pulled her to him and kissed
her.
The feel of having her in his arms again, her scent, all the things
that were so uniquely Willow, surrounded him. All of the things he'd
dreamt of, wanted, needed were his again in a moment.
Giles' heart pounded against his chest as he pulled her body
tightly to his. Like pieces of a puzzle, they fit together.. mind, body
and soul. The eternity of waiting trapped inside a simple day
was erased in her touch and he felt whole again.
"Oh, love," he sighed.
Willow gripped his shoulders, sure that at any moment he might
disappear. Longings fed the passions as Giles held her and
tenderly kissed away her errant tears.
Real or not, she didn't care.. if this were only a dream, then it
was a divine sort of madness.
What had seemed, just moments ago, a long, dark, lonely road
was suddenly brightly lit, rich and full. Every doubt, every fear
withered away in his embrace.
Finally, he pulled back to look into her eyes, but couldn't keep
from leaning in and stealing one more kiss.
Still unsure, Willow ran her hands over his shoulders and across
his chest, until she dared to reach up and touch his face. "What
are you doing here?"
"It's where you are," he answered simply as he took her hand
and kissed it.
"But.. but you're supposed to be in England," Willow said still
having trouble processing.
Giles shook his head and sighed. "I... I couldn't stay there..." He
looked down slightly embarrassed at his own rash behavior. "I tried,
but... it was intolerable without you... even for a day."
Willow's heart skipped a beat. "Even for a day?"
He nodded solemnly. "Even for a day."
Willow was so moved by his admission she couldn't find her
voice. She bit her lip and fought back fresh tears. Finally, she
pushed herself up onto her tiptoes and kissed him again.
"Oh, I love you," she whispered.
"I love you," he answered sealing it with another kiss.
He held her against his chest for a long moment before
easing them both down onto her small sofa.
Giles took a deep breath and smiled as though being with
her gave him the air he needed to breath again. "When I'd
realized that we'd never spoken about when we'd see each
other again.... I.. I know it's not logical really, but I... I was
gripped by this sort of panic," he confessed.
"I know exactly what you mean."
"And I realized in that one moment that I don't ever want to
feel that way again. I don't want to plan when to see you.
I want to *know* I will. Every day."
"And so... so you just dropped everything and came here?"
Willow asked, trying not to tremble with the power of her
emotions.
Giles blushed slightly. "I'm afraid I didn't plan this very well...
or at all for that matter. I wasn't thinking too clearly. I just had to
be with you.. wherever that was and whatever it took. It was really
as simple as that."
Willow giggled and squeezed his hand. "I like your thinking."
"I know it's absurd, but there's something about you that leaves
me.. well.. sort of undone."
"Oh yeah," Willow said with a grin. "I know the feeling." Suddenly,
she tilted her head to the side and frowned a bit. "I guess I was
sort of lost in it too when you came in.. How did you get in
anyway?"
Giles raised an eyebrow in a subtle scold. "Someone left the
door unlocked."
"Oh... oops," she said with a contrite smile.
"You really should take more care, Willow."
"I've been a little preoccupied," she admitted and scooted
a little closer to his side.
He shook his head, but couldn't keep the smile from his face.
"Willow..." he began, but quickly lost himself in her eyes and
could only sigh. "God, I've missed you," he whispered as he
reached out and stroked her cheek.
Willow closed her eyes for a moment and leaned into his
touch. "And now you've got me."
After a brief pause, Giles pulled his hand back and furrowed his
brow. "Yes... that leads me to something else."
She looked at him expectantly and he cleared his throat and
shifted in his seat, turning to face her more directly... unable
to find a comfortable position, he abandoned his spot on the
sofa and began to pace.
"I realize this may seem rash, but contrary to all the evidence
before you... I'm a well measured man... I don't take this lightly,
it's important to me that you believe that, because I've thought
a great deal about this and I think it's the right thing to do.. of
course, I'll understand if you have reservations--"
"Rupert."
"Hmmm?"
"This is leading...?" she asked with a bemused smile.
"Right. This is leading..." he echoed nervously and then looked
to the heavens. "I knew I should have made notes. Had it all
worked out on the plane... damn convincing too... and now...I
I... I can't seem to remember a word of it," he said helplessly.
"It's all right. I'm not going anywhere."
Giles nodded and took a deep breath to gather himself. Finally,
he sat back down and took her hand in his. "Willow, I love you...
I love you with everything I am...in ways I didn't think possible...
without you, I'm only half a man...I can't think of anything
I want more in this world... need more... than for you to be my
wife." He took another breath and stared into her eyes. "Willow
Rosenburg, will you marry me?"
Willow sat stunned, barely able to find a breath, blinking her
eyes rapidly.
"Darling?" he prompted nervously.
"Ohhh... yes," she said, her voice catching. "Yes, please."
Giles laughed and pulled her in for a kiss. "Thank you," he
murmured against her cheek.
Sure he was the luckiest man alive, Giles buried his face in the
crook of her shoulder, gently kissing the sensitive skin... tasting
the life he's just been given. That's how it felt, like a rebirth... all
the dark clouds that seemed to follow him were pushed away.
Sure he could move mountains now, he felt his heart fill. With
a last kiss, he pulled her into his lap and continued to touch her
and marvel at the gifts of life.
Willow scooted sideways a little, so she could see into her lover's
face. She practically purred in contentment. The strength of his
body, the power of his mind, the beauty of his soul... all collided
deep inside her. All of the things she'd been afraid to feel, afraid
to see.. all of them were suddenly beautiful. The world was filled
with endless possibilities.
In the depths of his eyes she saw the future... Images of falling
asleep in his arms, waking under the light of his watchful gaze
danced across her mind. Secret lunches and romantic dinners...
from the mundane to the exotic, every possible moment was a
heaven unto itself. A lifetime together would never be enough.
Eventually, Willow rested her head against his chest.
Giles tenderly caressed the length of her arm with one hand
and gently massaged her small hand with his other.
"Oh damn!" he cried out suddenly.
Willow jumped back and blinked in alarm. "What? What'd
I miss?" she asked as she slid off his lap.
"I'm so sorry, Willow. How could I have been so stupid?"
Willow tried to remain calm. "What do you mean?"
"I've done it all wrong haven't I?" he moaned.
"Done what? You don't want to take it back, do you? You
can't be an indian giver proposer type person.. that's just..."
"No, no," he assured her. "I meant every word."
"Phew... had me worried... not really worried-worried, it was
more like abject terror really."
Giles smiled regretfully. "I'm sorry, love."
Then he frowned in disgust. "I'd thought this all out so carefully...
There were supposed to be flowers, and I was going to take a knee..
didn't bloody well do either... and the ring," he said shaking his
head. "How could I forget the ring?"
Willow let out a relieved breath. "Scare me to death, why don't
you? It's all right... the ring doesn't matter."
"Yes, it does."
Willow smiled. "I know you're good for it."
"You should have a ring," he repeated.
"Really, Rupert.. I--"
"How could I forget that?"
"It's okay."
He shook his head sadly, but Willow wasn't going to let
him beat himself up over this. "Rupert, it's not important."
She saw his frown deepen. "If it means that much to you,
I could wear your ring until we get another," she added
as she pointed to his onyx pinkie ring.
Giles sighed again.
"It's either that or the marriage is off," Willow said with
exaggerated snobbish indifference.
"Oh, so that's how it is?" he said with smile. "In that
case..." He struggled at first, but finally managed to
pull the ring off. He held her small hand in his and then
looked up into her eyes once more time, letting the
moment settle before slipping it onto her hand.
The ring was still too large for her slim finger.
"Too big," she said wiggling her hand. "Might fall off."
Giles grinned and shook his head. "Can't have that... I guess
I'll just have to hold it there," he said as he enveloped her
small hand in his.
Willow giggled. "You can't hold it forever."
"Yes," he said in all seriousness. "Yes, I can."
Willow leaned up and brushed a kiss across his lips.
"Welcome home."
* * *