__I Dreamt__
By Monique and David Barton




Dear Willow,

I dreamt of you last night. It... it wasn't what you're
thinking. I had a nightmare. A terrible nightmare. Now,
I'm pretty sure you'll think I'm overreacting, but I want
you to hear me out, please.

Now... I have had nightmares about you before. This
was different though, Willow. This was so real, so vivid...
It scared me, love. I'm not sure if I should be sharing the
details with you as it is certainly not my intention to add
to your already mountainous burdens and worries... but I
have to. Something is telling me that there is more to this
than is clear on the surface... That this is more than a bad
dream. It is telling me to tell you, and love... I don't want to
take any chances.

In the dream, I was in Sunnydale and I had arranged to
meet you, late at the night, at the Magic Box. (Lord knows
why I would want to meet you there... I can think of better
places) Now... I was running late, I recall that very distinctly...
This slow, swelling feeling of panic that for some unknown
reason something was wrong. I arrived at the Magic Box, I
opened the door, as if I owned the place, and moved in ready
to make an excuse for my lateness... then I saw you.

Oh, Willow... they say you can't feel pain in dreams. They
must be wrong. I have never before felt pain like the pain I
felt when I saw you. Forgive my slowness here, love... this is
difficult. I don't like thinking of this, but I feel it is important
to do so... and I want to remember every detail... anything
that might prove useful, but it is hard.

I opened the door, and I remember a rather strong scent of
sulphur in the air... Which as I recall is rather typical of the
shop on Wednesdays, I believe they have their deliveries then.
The shop was very low lit, but otherwise appeared as it usually
does. You were there, Willow... and you were held... by a group
of vampires, I can't be exactly sure on the numbers... somewhat
more than a half dozen... yes, I think you were being held by
four, with several more, behind. They held you, but made no
attempt to cover your mouth, or block your motions in a meaningful
way. They looked as most newly turned vampires do, in street
clothes, with one exception, that I can recall... which was a slight
marking, on each of the vampires, above their eyes. Like an
inverted star, minus two prongs. Matches nothing I have hear
on record, and I have been checking for hours now. I have
enclosed a sketch, for your own research...

Willow... they... they were feeding on you. One on your neck,
another in your wrist, a third near your hip. They drank from
you, carelessly, your blood flowed from the cuts, so much so
that it stained your blouse red. They held you standing up, Willow,
and your head was free to move... Oh, and your eyes, love... The
pain in them, the sheer agony in your eyes... and then you saw
me and your look changed... the pain didn't leave you, but in
your eyes... because I was there, you had hope. I could hear
your voice... you called to me, called for me to help you.

And lord help me, Willow... I couldn't move.

I don't know why, love, even in my dream every fibre of my
being was calling out for me to move. I would have given anything
in that moment just to come to you, if I could do nothing else...
just to be at your side... to touch you.

There was a stake on the counter next to me, Willow... I could
have stopped them... but I couldn't move. It was as though my
whole body was held in place, I can't describe it... It was almost...
no matter how much I wanted to help you, no matter how much
I loved you. I couldn't move.

And Willow... I stood, unable to move... eyes wide... as they fed
on you, and swirled around....taunting me, their voices uniformly
low, and whispered... almost echoing. They taunted my cowardice,
and... other things... but the worst part was watching you...
watching the hope flicker and die within you as your calls turned
to shouting, and you begged for me to help... until they took so
much, Willow, you couldn't shout any more... and your eyes turned
to mine, once more... as though even changing where you were
looking, caused you more pain... and you looked at me one last
time, not as I thought you would.. with hurt, and betrayed... but
with love... and then, still trying with all my heart, all my energy,
all my love, and all my soul...unable even to shout... I watched...
I watched your light go out. As I stood, unmoving...

...I watched you die.

I'm sorry about the lapse there love. I had to stop, just for
the moment. It felt so real, so very real. I'm still not sure how I
woke up, when my heart had already broken. I woke up, and
Willow... I was sure it was real. I tried to call you... to
hear your voice. Willow, I'm sorry I got a little... vivid, in my
description, but I wanted you to understand. This is not a
simple nightmare, I know it isn't. I've had enough nightmares
in my life, I can tell. What I'm not sure is what it signifies. I
don't claim to be prophetic, Willow... but we both know, that
something like this could happen. And I'm not trying to scare
you, love. But I'm not there. I'm not there for you, I left you all
alone. I shirked my responsibilities, like a coward, not the
responsibilities of a watcher, or even of a lover... but simply of a
good human being... knowing what you face, what you all face
and leaving...

Willow, I am not going to lie about this... I worry, a great deal. I worry
about you, most of all. Every night, as I lie in bed... I wonder
if you made it through another night on the Hellmouth. I try to
sleep, and I think of all the trials you face, and how I left you
to face them alone... even shifting some of my responsibilities
onto you. How did you forgive me? I do not know what I would
do, if you were hurt... or... anything else... and if something
happened to you, because I am here... If I could have helped you,
and now I can't because I am over here...

As I have said before, I don't know the significance of my
dream. It may mean, that I am a danger to you somehow.
That I have put you in the way of danger, and will not be
able to protect you when the time comes... but it worries
me. And while nothing on this earth, Willow, would make me
worry you unnecessarily... I had to tell you. I wish... there is
nothing I can say, or while I am here, do, that can make you
safer... so all I have is words. It's not enough. I'm useless to
you right now. I'm sorry.

I'm sorry this letter is not what you expected, love... and I'm
very sorry, but I can't seem to focus, or talk on anything else
right now. I'm worried about you. I'm sorry, I really am... as
I know it will worry you. I'm sorry Willow.

The thought of anything... anything happening to you, fills me
with dread. I miss you, love.

Love... I think I'm going to come home. I'll call you tonight, again.

Please be careful out there.

Yours always,
Rupert Giles

***

Dear Rupert,

Don't worry.

I mean, I know you will, but don't. I'm fine. Your brother is
going to be fine. I'll be there in two weeks and we'll laugh
about these last few days. Okay, maybe laughing is a bit
much. But we can smile fondly. Maybe?

I know I told you every ten seconds on the phone, but it felt
so good to hear your voice. I've missed hearing you say my
name. There's something about the way you say it that makes
me feel all warm inside.

I know what you're thinking. If you'd just come back to
Sunnydale, I could hear you in person... all the time. But
we went over this. You can't come home now and I wouldn't
want you to. Of course, I want you to, but not now. Not when
your family needs you there. You have a chance to be there
for your brother and your family when they need you. You
can't pass that up. I wish my family had been there for me
when I needed them, so I know how important this really is.

You can help take care of your brother and his family, he'll
get better soon.. it sounds like the worst is nearly over... and
then before you know it... I'll be there to make everything
confusing again. The Willow has landed.

I know you still feel guilty. You always feel guilty and being
a guiltmeister myself... this I understand. But I'm fine... the
baddies have been dispatched and it wasn't a big.... well..
okay so it wasn't a small either.. but...

I think I am physically incapable of keeping a secret. Maybe
I should see a doctor about that.

Okay.. I wasn't exactly telling you the whole truth on the
phone. Not that I was lying.. nope... but I was... strategically
omitting things... maybe? I know there are lies of omission,
but this was small stuff really.. so if anything it's more of a
fib than a lie. Just a little fiblet. Not worth mentioning really.
Then I guess you're wondering why I mentioned it. I wasn't
going to, but then you had to go and call Buffy and then she
called me cause she didn't really tell you the truth either..
well, not the whole truth.. it was a half truth, no... more like
a three-quarters truth... and then you made her promise
to watch over me... and you were being so doodley, she
felt stinky not telling you everything so she called me and
here we are.

And just where is that?

Okay... truth.. whole... unvarnished... no-gloss... matt-finished
truth.

I told you on the phone that Buffy and I had run into a few
new vamps that were trying to start that cult and that Buffy
dusted them. Well, that's all true.. as far as it goes. I didn't
want to tell you the rest of it on the phone cause you were
sort of upset.. and I love you for that.. I really do.. it's a
wonderful feeling to have someone worry over you... but
you needed to stay with your brother and not worry more
about me so.. I sort of left out some of the details.

But, you know... actually... it's good stuff... I mean, not
the bruise the size of Kentucky I have on my back, but...
there is a silver lining here.. so just hang in there...it's
coming.. I promise.

The night you had your dream... I was going to the Magic
Box to get supplies for a protection spell we were going
to need. Buffy wasn't with me at first. It was late and we
were sort of in a hurry and so I went by myself... but not
really... cause... just as I was about to open the door...
I felt something... inside me... kind of like a voice, but
not really... it's hard to explain. But something told me
not to go in. And that something was you. It must have
been. Somehow you knew... and even though you're
weren't by my side.. you were with me.

I called Buffy and she came down.. we went in... and
wackiness ensued... okay, so it was more of a melee
with blood and ouchies, but... in the end we were still
kickin' and the vamps weren't. So... score one for the
good guys.

See? So, it all worked out in the end, cause well... I'm still
here. But the important thing is... you did save me.... even
from across the ocean you managed to protect me. I wasn't
alone. You were with me. I don't know how... I don't know why...
except maybe we've been together all along... that no matter
how far away one of is... we're never really apart.

Oh... you scolded me once for saying bad things about
myself.. well... it's your turn now, mister. You are not a
coward. You're a hero. You're my hero, Rupert. What
other man could do the things you've done. Fought as
hard as you have and still be such a gentle, compassionate
man? Please don't ever say such a thing about yourself again..
or I'll be very cross... and a cross Willow is.... well.. it's not
a good thing!

And you talk about shirking your responsibilities when you
moved away... but you have paid more than any man ever
should or any other man even could. You had every right
to leave and want to make a new life for yourself.... and who
knows... maybe if you hadn't left, we never would have
come together. So please don't ever regret that. If leaving
somehow brought you to me.. well, then near as I can tell
it's the best thing you ever did.

And as much as I want you to come home, you have
responsibilities there that you cannot ignore. Our time
will come, Rupert. It will... In fact..don't forget that in less
than two weeks!! I'll be there. So, think of that... a good
dream pushing the nightmares away...

We'll sit in a cottage in front of a roaring fire... safe and
together. We'll walk through the forest hand in hand....
arm in arm... and it'll be the most wonderful, beautiful
weekend anyone could imagine. And then best part is...
it's just the beginning.

I love you.

-Willow


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