__The Inner Wesley__
By Clarrie and Chloe



THE BASEMENT OF THE PINK PUSSYCAT NIGHTCLUB

'Xander! Watch out!' Giles yelled as he dodged
missiles thrown by Larry Frost, the owner of the Pink
Pussycat nightclub. 'Watch out for the Sexahol!'

'Sexahol?' Xander murmured to himself as he dodged a
barrel of magically charged, aphrodisiac beer. 'I am
now officially trapped in a seventies caper movie.'

The cellar shook as one of Willow's magical blasts
began to beat Larry Frost into submission.

'Willow!' Shrieked Giles. 'Keep those away from the
barrels! With this much magic in the room there's a
danger of it going critica…'

*BOOM!*

The yellow glow of Willow's spell flowed through the
room, mixing with the amber liquid as it exploded into
the confined space with a blinding flash.

'Wesley?' The Scooby gang coughed and spluttered as
the dust cleared. 'Wesley? Are you Ok?'

They crowded around Wesley's limp, unconscious form.

'Wesley?' Buffy nudged him in the ribs with the toe of
her boot. 'You gonna wake up?'

'Mr Wyndham-Price?' Giles checked Wesley's pulse and
inspected his pupils. 'He's in a coma.'
'A coma?' Gasped Willow. 'Should w-we get him to a
hospital?'

'Hmm.' Giles frowned. 'We should…But this gives me a
chance to show you all my latest invention.'

'Ahem.' Giles gestured at the wires, generators and
monitors which covered the mattress in his basement.

'My latest invention. I call it… The Dream-O-Tron.'

The Scooby gang shuffled nervously.

'Uh, yeah, it's really, um, nice.'

'Good squiggly wires.'

'Why has he got a mattress in the…' Xander was
silenced by a glare from Buffy.

'If my theory is correct.' Giles brandished a helmet
attached to a pair of goggles. 'Then using this
brainwave-a-matic device, Xa…Ahem - that is - one of
us, will be able to actually enter Wesley's dreams and
awaken him from his coma.'

'It's going to be me isn't it?' Xander sighed.

Giles nodded enthusiastically. 'But not to worry,' He
helped Buffy heave Wesley's unyielding form onto the
grubby mattress and attach him to the electrodes.
'The rabbits all seemed very peaceful, at the end.'

'Ok.' Xander lay back onto the cold basement floor as
Giles and Willow attached electrodes to various parts
of his body. 'You promise not to take funny photo's
while I'm asleep?'

Willow smiled.

'Now Xander,' Giles prepared a syringe. 'This
anaesthetic will act only long enough for you to go
into deep sleep. From then on, it's down to you.' He
injected him carefully. 'Now count with me. One…
Two…Three… He's out.'

They watched as Xander slept peacefully, wearing the
goggles and helmet Giles had connected up to the Dream
– O – Tron.

'So.' Said Giles. 'Where did we put that camera?'

Xander blinked, and looked around him. Below his feet
he could feel bare stone, and the walls and high
ceilings seemed to be made of the same thing. A
massive fireplace dominated the room, in it a roaring
fire warm and inviting, a sheep skin rug laid out
before it. The orange echo of the flame glinted off of
the well worn red leather of the chaise lounge on
which…

'Willow?!'

The young watcher lifted the naked red head from his
lap and stood before his new visitor.

Xander gaped as he took in Wesley's purple silk
dressing gown and ebony cigarette holder.

'Well what do we have here?' Wesley raised an eyebrow
and blew smoke out through his nose. 'Why hello my
little chicken,' He purred. 'Aren't we a little far
from home?'

A blonde head peered over the edge of an accompanying
armchair and giggled.

'Buffy?'

'Oh,' Wesley cradled his cigarette holder between his
lips. 'Where are my manners?' He gave two short
delicate claps. 'Harem! Some refreshments for our
guest.'

Xander watched wide-eyed as the girls filled two
wine-glasses from a jug and pressed them into his and
Wesley's hands.

'Welcome,' Wesley grinned wolfishly, 'To Castle
Wesley.'

'Castle Wesley?' Xander gulped nervously as an
eldritch baying echoed around the stone walls.

'Castle Wesley.' The unrecognisable Watcher breathed
into his ear. 'My domicile, my asylum, my… 'He sucked
at his cigarette. 'Inner sanctum.'

'Gulp'.

'Got any threes?'

Giles searched his hand. 'Go fish.' He cleared his
throat.

'No.' Buffy frowned. 'I don't care if it's in the
rules.'

'Giles, ' Willow glared. 'I'm pretty sure there's no
such thing as strip Go Fish.'

'It is?'

The slick young Englishman nodded hungrily. 'My very
own.' He curled a finger around Xander's ear. 'Lord of
all I survey.'

'Eep!' Xander's eyes grew wide in alarm. 'I uh, lord
eh? That must, uh, Wesley are you sure you…'

'Aoooooooww, Aw, Aw, Aoooooowww!' Wesley turned away
as a momentous howling echoed around the high stone
walls of Castle Wesley.

'Harem!' Wesley barked, 'They are unbound!'

'I'm sorry but I just can't agree with you.' Giles
calmly adjusted the Dream-O-Tron. 'And personally I
think that's a very short sighted and immature view.'

Buffy snorted. 'Because you disagree.'

'Well come on, it's obvious Buffy.' Giles stepped away
from his creation. 'Spiderman would win.' Giles wiped
his brow. 'He has the, um, squirty stuff.'

Xander's mouth gaped open as he witnessed the scene
before him.

'Heel! Beasts!' Wesley's commanding tones rang out
over the baying. 'Obey!'

Xander watched in terrified fascination as the leather
caught the firelight. The muscles beneath it's tight
constraints rippling hypnotically. 'Angel?' He
murmured in disbelief. 'Riley!'

'You cannot just shrug off your destiny Buffy. You are
the Slayer and I am your Watcher!'

'Um, guys?' Willow raised her hand. 'I'm in this
basement too guys.'

'I don't care for My Destiny,' Buffy snapped, 'I don't
care for Slayer, I don't care for Watcher. You are not
getting the last bag of cheetos!'

'Down!' Wesley swatted at the leather-clad forms with
a silver topped cane. 'Harem!' He cried. 'The
restraints!'

Xander watched hypnotised as the reflection of the
flames flowed over the dark shining surface of the
leather, bathing the bulging curves of he two men's
muscles in a fiery orange light.

'Are they Ok?' He exclaimed as the commando and the
vampire lay obediently at the young Watcher's feet.

'They're both, bad, bad, little doggies.' Wesley
tugged on the collar and leash restraining the pair.

'And they must be punished.'

'Look at him.' Willow and Buffy gazed wistfully at
their sleeping friend. Willow sighed. 'He looks so
peaceful.'

'Well, come on Will, it is Wesley's dream he's in
after all.' Buffy smiled. 'They're probably eating
scones in a little tea-shop in the motherland.'

'Harem! The electrodes!'

Giles tapped the monitor gently, 'He is very quiet.'
The three friends felt their breath catch in their
throat as the monitor's gentle beeping fell silent.
Giles nudged Xander lightly with his foot.

'Buffy? Buffy could you put your hand just there?'

'Giles I've already told you!'

'Damn it Buffy, on Xander's chest!'

Buffy placed her hands firmly at the base of Xander's
breastbone. 'What do I do?'

'You have to break the cartilage, so that I can get
the adrenaline straight to his heart.' Giles drew back
on a hypodermic needle filled with liquid. 'I need
your Slayer strength.'

Buffy tensed her muscles in readiness to push. 'Come
on Xander, we can do it.'

'Uh, guys?' Willow peered around the edge of the
monitor. 'Shouldn't this be plugged into the rest of
the machine?'

'BUFFY WAIT!!!'

'Ow.' Xander rubbed at his chest.

'Is there pain little chicken?' Wesley purred, eyeing
him hungrily. 'You must tell me where it hurts.'

'I, uh, heartburn, I think, chilidogs, cheetos and uh,
ONIONS! I've eaten onions, wow, and garlic, just
onions and garlic that's all I ever eat.' Xander
stumbled over his feet as Wesley advanced towards him.

'And, I mean, combine that with my total lack of
personal hygiene and…'

'What was I thinking?' Wesley stood inches from him.

'That was sort of my…'

'With this big, hot, fire.' Breathed Wesley. 'The
sweat must be positively pouring off you.'

Xander tensed as the dark haired young Englishman
placed his hands on his shoulders.

'Let's get you out of that nasty, confining shirt.'

'Please allow me to introduce myself I'm a man of
wealth and taste…'

'Sympathy for the Devil.' Buffy held her forehead.

'Wow, not just old music, old evil music. Can I slay
it?'
Giles glared at her from the stereo. 'I take it you
are not a fan?'

'Duh.'

Giles pursed his lips. 'We'll try something else
then.' He lifted another LP from it's sleeve and
placed it on the turntable. 'Thin Lizzie.'

'As I was going over, the Cork and Kerry mountains…'

Willow watched as Buffy groaned and Giles began to
play air guitar. She turned to her unconscious friend
and sighed. 'Xander, you don't know how lucky you
are.'

'My, those buttons just pop right off don't they?'

'Hey teacher! LEAVE THOSE KIDS ALONE!' Giles waved the
bottle of carlsberg in the air over his head as a
visual accompaniment to his caterwauling, soaking
himself in the foamy brew in the process. 'An 'en
they said Rupe, rupper mate, the bloody pig hasn't
infla'ed again. Rupper mate, they sa' Giz some 'o the
ole flash bang, stuff you do, fireballs comin' out o'
the palms o' you, o' you 'n' rains o' light, and, and,
and, tons of bugger all.' He slurred into his bottle.
' But I said NO! No, I said, s' a waste. Got a
sacked, sakkid, duty. Sacred Duty! One girl in all the
wossname.'

Willow and Buffy watched as their trusted advisor
mumbled to himself in the corner. They turned away
with a shrug and sat back next to their unconscious
friend.

'Oh Xander.' Buffy sighed. 'He looks like a little
angel.' She began to stroke his hair and addressed
Willow. 'He is alright isn't he? No nightmares or
anything?'

Willow looked up from her book. 'Well Xander's way
literal and he watches too much tv. So, probably
they're escaping from camp sleep with Hogan's heroes,'

She smiled. 'With Colonel Kultz in his pj's.'

'Yeah.' Buffy laughed softly. 'Or stuck on island Coma
with Gilligan and the crew.'

'Hmm.' Willow smoothed Xander's hair as, in the
corner, the inventor of the Dream-O-Tron began to run
through the high points of 'Dark side of the moon' in
a raucous fashion. 'I bet he's having all kinds of
fun.'

'Oh, my dear.' Wesley ran his fingertips over Xander's
tensed and rigid biceps. 'Aren't you just deliciously
muscular?'

'I-I-I-I-I.' The young Slayerette edged backwards as
the formally bashful Watcher pressed close against
him.

'And such intelligent features.' Wesley sighed. 'The
Harem try of course, but sometimes, one needs a fresh
face.'

'I-I-I-I'. Xander froze as Wesley curled his fingers
around the hair at the back of his neck.

'Some new scenery.' He pressed his fingertips onto
Xander's top lip.

'After all.'

Xander gasped as, in one move, his legs were swept
from under him leaving him pinned to a bed he was sure
hadn't been there a moment ago.

'As they say.' Breathed Wesley against his neck. 'A
change is as good as a rest.'

Buffy peered lazily through the bottom of her glass.
'Feeling groovy Giles?'

The watcher whimpered piteously. ' If I ever. EVER.
Suggest ordering in beer again, I want Willow to turn
me into a rat.' He pressed his wrist delicately
against his forehead. 'Promise me that.'

'Well.' Buffy shrugged. 'Will went out for pizza, but
I'll slay you if you want.'

'Ugh. Would you, there's a dear.' Buffy watched as
Giles slid down the wall and curled up in a ball on
the floor. He stared at Xander with bloodshot eyes.

'Is he still asleep? Lucky bugger.'

Xander stared rigidly forward as Wesley pressed him
back onto the bed.

'You see, life is nothing without a little
intellectual exercise.' He licked his lips and began
to stroke Xander's chest. ' One finds life so stale
without a challenge. Don't you think?'

Xander yelped and shut his eyes tightly as he felt his
favourite jeans begin to disappear.

'Eeep.'

'Guys, Pizza's here.' Willow casually nudged the
basement door open with her hip and dumped the flat,
travel damaged, boxes down on a nearby pile of junk.

'Pineapple, Canadian bacon and anchovies?' Buffy
snatched the top box from Willow's side and peered
inside. 'Did you get any garlic bread?'

'Ugh'.

Willow turned to face the queasy looking Watcher. 'Hey
Giles.' She watched as he lay slumped on the floor
groaning lightly. 'How's the head?'

Wesley lifted his head and met his young companion's
eyes.

'How ----THIS JOKE HAS BEEN CENSORED FOR BEING
FAR TOO SILLY AND OBVIOUS.

to be continued...

* * *