( RIPOSTE ][ A Watchergirls Archive )

__The Bitchslapping of Veruca__
By Clarrie and Chloe

Buffy frowned in confusion. `You're going where?'

`We are going out.' Willow slipped on her jacket. `To
bitch slap Verrucca.'

`Until she cries.' Added Giles.

Buffy stared at Giles. `And you're going why?'

`Because.' Giles pulled his strange blue cardigan
around his shoulders. `Willow thought I should have
something to do, to-um- stop me from turning into, to
quote, `scary loner unemployed guy' also if I'm not in
it, they can't post this fic to the Watchergirls list,
and the other list they belong to won't except fic
featuring high levels of sex, violence, bad language
and (don't say bat fucking, don't say bat fucking)
Um.. Violence. Which this almost certainly will.'

`Oh.' Buffy frowned again. `And Xander is going
because?'

`Possible chick fight.'

`Oh.'

`Just call me Mr Predictable.'

`So let me get this right.' Buffy furrowed her brow.

`You, Willow and Xander are going to find and Bitch
slap Verrucca in an attempt to prevent the events in

`Wild at heart' from happening. Right?'

`Well. Yes, quite. Possibly pistol whipping and some
sort of sack beating will be involved too at some
point.'

`Umbrella.'

`Oh yes, and Willow is rather keen for me to make use
of the umbrella you bought me after watching that
unfortunate `Avengers' film.'

`OK.' Buffy watched as Willow piled weapons into her
anorak pockets. `So why can't I come?'

Giles paused at the door. `Well someone has to stay
home and tape Dawson's C. Voyage. Ahem, Captain
Dawson's voyage, yes a documentary about Captain
Dawson. The, um, famous British historical figure.
From history.' He blushed. `Which in a bizarre
coincidence is on at the exact same time as Dawson's
creek. But, um, isn't.'

`Giles?' Xander called from the hall. `You coming?'
Buffy watched in open mouthed as they left.

`Bye?'

***

`And I just feel so trapped.. It's just all going so
fast and.You know she's a demon.And I just want to
crawl up in a ball and.'

`I know Xander, I know. You just have to work through
it and one day.'

`You guys!' Willow glared back at Giles and Xander.
`We have a bitch slapping to attend to.'

`'Kay Will'

`Sorry Willow.'

The three strode through the dark pathways of
Sunnydale U, searching the shadows for signs of the
Gothy old dog who they were looking to bitch slap.

Without luck.

`Will?'

Willow scoured the pathways for a sign of her quarry.

`Will?'

Willow glared at Xander.

`Will?'

`Shut up- shut up- shut up- shut up!' Willow hissed.

`She'll hear you. And how are we supposed to bitch
slap her then? Giles has carried that umbrella all the
way from his apartment for this!'

Giles waved his umbrella distractedly.

`kay.'

`Fine, keep quiet.' Willow turned back to her
surveillance.

`Will?'

`WHAT NOW!'

Giles frowned. `And Verrucca won't hear that?'

`I really need to pee.'

Willow pressed her palm to her forehead. `We are never
going to get this bitch slapping done at this rate.'

`Oh Dawson lets have sex'

`No I'm not ready'

Buffy yawned and picked up the phone. She dialled the
familiar number and waited for the machine to pick up.

`Mom, call me.'

She replaced the receiver and paused before dialling
again.

`Hi, is that Mario's pizza?'

***

There is a stirring in the bushes at Sunnydale U.

`Giles?'

`Hmm?'

`Do you mind not watching?'

`Oh, Oh! Sorry, sorry. I assure you that you're
welcome to watch next time I need to, ahem, that is,
That sentence came out all wrong.'

`Giles! Xander! Hurry up.' Hissed Willow from the pool
of darkness around the corner. `I think I see her
coming.'

The three tensed as they watched the shadowy figure
approach.

`RING RING, ring-ring-ring-ring, RING RING.'
The balaclava clad figure turned in surprise as the
shrill tones of the mobile phone cut through the night
air. He stared at them without expression before
turning away again.

Willow glared psychotically at Giles.

`Sorry.'

`You.Are.SORRY?'

Attempting to ignore Willow's stare, Giles answered
his phone. `Buffy?' He placed a hand over the
mouthpiece. `It's Buffy, She says do we want Frasier
taped too?'

`Couldn't hurt.'

`Yes, thank you Buffy. No, no, not yet. Well we
thought we had but it was one of those Balaclava men.
I know, yes.' Giles met Willows eyes and grew pale.

`Can't-talk-now-Buffy Bye.' He rapidly replaced the
phone in his jacket pocket.

Xander gave him a puzzled frown. `Giles? Why does your
mobile play YMCA?'

`What?' Giles blinked. `YMCA?'<Think man think! > `It
doesn't, it's, ahem, that is, it's classical music!
Yes, that's it, classical music. Ha, ha, ha, ha.
Classical music.' He cleared his throat. `They stole
it, the tune.'

`O.K.'

`But Dad, my new girlfriend will never believe that
this sheep got attached to my groin accidentally
during an attempt by Niles to win Daphne's affection!
And tell Eddie to stop staring.'

Buffy silenced the television as the phone began to
ring.

`Hello? Oh hi mom.' She lifted the last slice of pizza
and carefully picked off the pepperoni pieces,
absent-mindedly flicking them one by one at the TV.

`Yeah, I just wanted to ask. No, no I'm at home
watching TV. Well that's the thing. Mom, do I have
*any* friends other than Xander and Willow?' She
wrapped a string of melted cheese around her tongue
and pulled it into her mouth like spaghetti. `No,
she's in LA. So is he. No not together mom.Geez. Nope,
Evil and then a coma.No I'm not being smart with you!
What tone? There was no tone!' Buffy scowled. `No he's
out with Willow and Xander. OK, bye.'

Buffy replaced the phone and slumped down on the sofa.

`Well my life pretty much sucks.'

***

`Giles?'

Xander and Giles leant against the cold brick of the
university building and watched Willow pace.

`Giles I think I'm going blind from boredom.' Xander
blinked heavily. `You?'

`Not blind as yet,' Giles yawned. `But only I fear
because, for the last hour, I have been thinking about
the film `Romy and Michelle's High school reun.. `A
room with a view'! Yes the film `A room with a view',
ahem, with Dame Judy Dench and, um, the Italian
scenery, ahem.'

`You said Romy and Michelle's high school reunion.'

`No I didn't, I said A room with a view.' Giles
cleared his throat. `Oh look Xander Vampire!'

`What?' Xander spun to face in the direction of Gile's
pointing finger. `There's nothing there.'

`You two!' Willow glared at them. `Ugh.' She pinched
the bridge of her nose (what she can't do it too?)

`Well it's obvious that we're not going to find her
here.' She sighed heavily. `There's only one thing
left we can do.'

`Get pizza?'

`Get Chinese?'

`Get Chinese and pizza?' Xander grinned hopefully.

`What? I'm a growing boy.'

`No.' Willow narrowed her eyes and stuck out her jaw.

`We're getting Witchy.'

`Yer from The Big Bad. This is `The Moooonster Mash'.'

Buffy turned down the volume on her radio and sighed
heavily.

`Sucketty suck, suck, suck.'

She lounged back on the sofa and stared at the
ceiling. `Oh so very bored.'

She felt the lure of the phone - pulling- pulling- she
snatched it up and dialled.

`Hello Izzie's deli?' Buffy grinned. `Do you have a
chicken neck? Aha.' She twisted a lock of hair around
her little finger. `Well try roll-neck sweaters and
maybe it won't show.'

Buffy slammed down the receiver and giggled .

***

`What are you going to do? It's going to hurt isn't
it? Great, you're going to hurt me.'

`Xander.' Willow advanced upon the whimpering youth.

`We're just going to cast a glamour.' She pulled on a
rubber glove. `To make you look just like Oz.' She
pulled the wrist of her glove and let it go with a
satisfying * snap *. `Don't worry, It won't hurt a
bit.'

Buffy hung upside down from the sofa and wrapped the
phone cord around her wrist. `Hello? Is that the
`Rising Sun' Chinese restaurant? You do deliveries
right? Uh, uh. What do I want?' Buffy grinned
wickedly. `The cream of sum yung guy.' She slammed
down the phone giggling.

`Oh, wow, I sure hope that some that I don't wolf out
suddenly, what with me being Oz and all.'

Xander stood awkwardly in the clearing amongst the
college buildings.

`I, um, I wonder where Verrucca is, She's a honey, I
can really dig her werewolf groove what with me being
Oz.'

Willow and Giles watched from the bushes.

`Personally I question the fact that Oz would ever say
Dig or groove.' Giles stared at the lonely red headed
figure. `Or use the phrase `what with me being Oz' on
such a regular basis.'

Willow glared. `Xander!' She hissed.' Xander!'

`I sure hope I see Verrucca tonight, Not that I'm
trying to lure her into a trap so that Willow can
bitch slap her or anything. No sir-e-bob. No trap what
so ever. Oow!' Xander yelped as a well aimed umbrella
hit him in the back of the head.

`Ow, Will!' He rubbed the back of his head and
grimaced in pain. `What was that for?'

Willow strode out from the bushes, followed by Giles.

`What do you think you are doing? Xander? Have you
ever * been * bait before?'

She frowned and placed her hands on her hips. `Well,
this is definitely unproductive. Giles? You got any
ideas?'

`Hmm?'<Don't say group sex, don't say group sex>,

`Group sex?'

`Pardon!'

`Ahahahah!' Giles laughed manicly, his eyes wide.

`Nothing, um, that is, ahem, Oh God. Oh God. I'm hyper
ventilating, huuuh, huuuh.' Willow gently passed him a
paper bag.

***

`Just stand there and don't say anything.' Willow put
her hands on Xander's shoulders. `Relax a bit.' Xander
slouched slightly. `Great, now you actually look like
Oz.'

She retreated into the bushes and stood next to Giles.
`And you can shut up.'

`Yes Willow.'
A cool breeze blew through the warm night air, in the
distance a lone night-bird signalled it's existence to
the world.

Giles put his binoculars to his eyes and stared at
the lone redhead slouching in the darkness.

`He really does look the spitting image of Oz.'

`Hmm.'

`Your Glamours are really coming along Willow,' He
raised the binoculars to his eyes once more. `You've
captured him perfectly. The lithe fold of the limbs,
the milky, pearl white complexion, his delicate build,
fragile yet masculine, the way that the soft curve of
his lips opens slightly to reveal the contrast between
his porcelain teeth and the warm animal vitality of
his tongue.'

Giles blanched as he met Willow's dark glare. He
cleared his throat. `Ahem, g-good job.'

Willow snatched the binoculars from his grip and
raised them to her own eyes. `Argh!' She growled in
irritation. `What is * he* doing here?'

The pair watched as Devon approached his old friend
Oz.

Buffy gripped the handle firmly and twisted. An icy
cold jet of water shot from the faucet. She smiled as
the condom grew bulbous with it's glacial cargo. She
twisted the end into a knot and cradled it in her
palms.

The catch on the window was only a minor problem, she
shifted her burden gracefully from one hand to the
other and managed to jar open the window with one
hand. She perched gently on the windowsill and stared
out into the night.

Now came the waiting.

`Hi Oz.'

Xander stared. ` Um, hi.Hi Dylan.'

`Devon.' Devon stood gazing around him. `So, you heard
any more about that thing?'

`Huh?'

`That thing, you know, that you were going to see
about?'

Every muscle in Buffy's body stiffened in readiness.

Her senses were keen and alert.

She clasped her missile gently in her right hand and
leaned out into the cold night air, she opened her
mouth and took a deep breath.

`HEY PARKER! HEADS UP!'

`Whoa!' Devon turned as a girlie shriek split the
night air. `What was that?'

`I, I don't know, um, dude?' Xander grinned fixedly.

`So see you around right? Bye.'

`Hey, buddy? You trying to get rid of me or
something?'

`Get rid of you?' Xander laughed loudly and too long.

`No, ahem, dear me, no.

<`Dear me?' *I* don't even say `dear me'> Why would I
be trying to get rid of you?' Xander punched Devon
affectionately in the arm. `Devon! Dev, The D- man,
ole buddy. Why would I be trying to get rid of my
favourite drummer?'

`Singer'

` `Kay.'

Willow glowered from the bushes. `Why doesn't he just
get rid of him?'

`What was that noise?'

`Probably cats.' Willow shrugged off Gile's question
and returned her gaze to Devon and `Oz'.

`I don't think so, it sounded more like a 21 year old
college student being dowsed in cold-cold water.'
Giles drifted off into silent reverie.

`So did you see about playing a set with that new band
on Saturday?' Devon looked expectantly into Xander's
face.

`New band?'

`Fungal windloop?' Devon frowned in confusion. `It's
all you've talked about for two days man.'

`Oh Yeah!' Xander cleared his throat. `That Fungal
windloop. They, um, rock.'

`They rock?'

`Yeah, Woohoo!' Xander attempted a slightly
unconvincing air punch.

`But I thought you said we were only playing alongside
to use their righteous equipment?'

`I did?'

`I think you're exact words were sucks through a
hose.'

`Oh.'

Willow scowled at the two musicians through the
binoculars. `That's it.' Willow rolled up the sleeve
of her blouse. `If he won't leave of his own accord,
we're just going to have to get pro-active.'
Giles bit his lip. `Um, Willow?' He watched as
Willow's face set itself on `resolve'. `Willow dear?
What exactly do you intend to.'

Devon shot four feet into the air as a bolt of yellow
tinged light hit him in the back. The magical
lightening wrapped around him for a moment before
disappearing as suddenly as it came.
Xander gaped as the lead singer of the Dingoes lay
motionless at his feet.

`Oh my God! You killed Devon!'

`Willow! He was an innocent passer by.' Giles stared
at the singed would-be rock-star. `And you've killed
him!'

`He's not dead, just stunned.'

`I was pretty bloody shocked myself.' Giles lifted his
gaze from the prone youth. `But that I fear is the
least of our problems.'

There was an ominous `click' as the balaclava clad
soldier armed his weapon and aimed it towards the
group.

`RU-U-U-N!'

***

They ran through the darkened streets of Sunnydale.
The sound of their heartbeats almost driving out the
sound of their pursuers feet hitting the sidewalk as
he followed brandishing his rifle.

`HALT!'

`NO!' Giles, Xander and Willow fled into the darkness
of the streets around the Sunnydale docks area. `SCREW
YOU PIG!' Xander's momentary bravado faded as their
tracker picked up the pace and backed him down the
increasingly narrow and lonely looking alley.. `I-I
mean like, pig, in the positive, intelligent,
dignified sense- you-you know like `Babe'?'

`Yoick!'

Xander looked around him to see the owner of the
mystery arm which had pulled him into the noisy,
smokey but mercifully assassin free atmosphere of the
bar. He was astounded to see that it had belonged to
Giles.

At his side stood Willow, glowering venomously at him.

`Did you not *see* us duck down that alley ten minutes
back?'

Xander stood, and brushed himself down with as much
dignity as he could muster. `Evidently not.' He looked
around at the flashing lights and dry ice. `Hey, it's
nice to see the `studio 54-mobile' is in Sunnydale
again.'

`Shut up- Shut up- Shut up- Shut up!' Willow balled
her hands up into fists and jutted her jaw out
angrily. `Have you forgotten what we're meant to be
doing?

`I know, I know.' Xander droned. `Find Verrucca and
bitch slap her in an attempt to stop the events of

`Wild at heart' from happening.'

Giles waved his umbrella wanly.

`Right!' Willow raged. `You don't think I turned you
into Oz for fun do you?'

`I'm still Oz?' Xander caught sight of himself in one
of the bar's many mirrors. `Cool.'

Giles smiled into the distance before shaking himself
abruptly. `Ahem,' He cleared his throat. `Yes, right,
so, um, Willow?'

`What?'

`We, um, we, that is, I can't help but notice.'

`What!'

`We are still very much Verrucca-less.'

Willow fixed him with a poisonous stare. `You-
wouldn't- let- it- lie.'

`I would have let it lie.'

`You wouldn't let it lie!'

Giles backed down in the face of Willow's incandescent
rage.

Willow composed herself slightly, slowed her
breathing, and withdrew from her pocket three
publicity shots of Verrucca and her band. `If
Verrucca won't come to us, then we'll have to find her
ourselves.' She handed the two men a photo each.
`We'll split up, I'll take the left side of the club,
you take the right. Ask people if they've seen
Verrucca, show around the photo.' Willow bit her lip
in anticipation. `She will be mine, oh yes, she will
be mine.'

Buffy lay upside down on her bed, suspending herself
from the edge and gripping the phone in her left hand
as she flicked candy in her open mouth. `Yeah, Dover
and Macavitie. First name? Ben and Phil.'

`WE GOT A CALL FOR BEN DOVER AND PHIL MACAVITIE.'

Xander stifled a giggle as the barmaid began to blush.
`Damn prank calls.'

Xander and Giles ventured further into the hot dark
club.

`Hi Rupe!'

`Yoo hoo Rupey.'

`Hey Ripper, who's your friend?'

Xander visibly paled and hung close to Giles. `Please
say you know those people from book-club. Book-club,
demon fighting anything.'

`I, um, I teach martial arts at the `Y'. Stammered
Giles.

Xander frowned. `That's just a big old lie, isn't it.'

`Have you seen this woman?' Willow thrust a dog-eared
publicity photo into the face of the moustachioed
reveller. `Don't know, what's the reward?'

Willow smiled sweetly.

`Have you seen this woman?' Xander and Giles waved
their copy of Verrucca's image in the vague direction
of a group of drinkers. `We're not going to bitch slap
her or anything'

`Why don't you just lean down a little and I'll tell
you.' The leering punter paled as Willow whispered
into his ear. She straightened herself up. `Now, run
along.' She turned. `Have you seen this woman?'

`So how did we get here again?' Xander stared down at
the crowd gathered on the flashing dance-floor and
shouted across to Giles on the opposite podium.

`Giles?'

`I don't know!' Giles shook his dampened hair. `But
dance Xander, Dance like you've never danced before!'

Xander let the beat control his body.

`- this woman?' Willow passed the photo across the
bar.

`This one?' The barmaid picked the picture up by it's
corner and screwed up her nose. `No offence to your
friend but she looks like a gothy old dog if you ask
me.'

Willow leant on the bar.' Now that's what *I* keep
saying.'

Xander blinked into the darkness and moaned lightly.
`Giles?' He whimpered as he felt the motion of the
boat.

Giles snorted and groaned as he regained
consciousness. `Xander?'

They huddled together in the darkness.

`Giles?' Whispered Xander. `Who's that?'

`Hey there lil' redheaded boy.' Said Zeke. `You got a
real purty mouth.'

`WILLO-O-O-O-OW.....'

***

`Hurden gurden Amsterdam hurdenengurd de gurdenen
Stowaways? Gurden.'

Giles and Xander stared at the ship's captain and
gulped.

`No, um, no, no we're not stowaways.' Giles stammered.

`I-I was the, um, the High school librarian and he,
um, he was one of my students we just um, that is.'

`Hurden gurden `Dawson's creek' gurdendeden?'

`They did what?' Willow glared at the dock-worker as
he cowered before her.

`The shepherdess. It's a tanker travelling non-stop to
Amsterdam. Don't hurt me.'

Willow scowled at the docker and pointed to the dark
mass of a ship that towered over them. `Where does
that one go?'

`Uh, Europe.' Suggested, the dock worker hopefully.

`Cos, you know, it's pointed that way.'

`Right.' Willow relaxed her grip on his collar and
rolled up her sleeves. `Let's see if they need any
extra crew. I've always wanted to travel.'

`Hurden gurden `Zeke', hurden gurden?'

Xander and Giles backed away from the bulky distantly
grinning Hillbilly.

`You got real soft hair.' Zeke grinned exposing a
mouth lacking all but one tooth.

`I lather, rinse, repeat.' Xander laughed nervously.

`Giles.' He hissed from the corner of his mouth. `Are
you telling me that of all the languages you speak,
they speak none of them?'

`Um.' Giles paused as the Captain began to address
them once more.

`Hurden gurden `Non stop to Amsterdam' gurden hurden.'

`I understood that.'

`Gnarf!' Buffy lifted her head from the arm of the
sofa and rubbed her eyes blearily. `Wha? Wha did I
miss? Part eight is over already? Hmmph.' She grunted
and rolled over sleepily. `Well at least wake me for
part nine then.' Buffy sighed and closed her eyes.

`Bunch of goobers.'

* * *