Slowly I rolled over, looked up at the ceiling and started to trace invisible patterns with my finger.  I was going to figure this out if it was the last thing that I did, because honestly I was sick of taking five showers a day because of how dirty I felt.  It was evil, it was wrong, it went against everything that I was taught in church, but I wanted more.  The longing in my body almost killed me sometimes, I need to taste his blood again, needed to have it slowly slip down my throat, feel his touch on my skin, if only for a moment, but I needed it more than anything.  Yet the thing that kept running through my mind was how wrong it was.  The only thing was no matter how hard I tried, I couldn’t think about anything else, because I knew that he was just in the other room.  He wasn’t watching me though, he never would after what he saw that night.  I wish I could just run in there and tell him that he was wrong, what he saw was a mistake, I hadn’t meant to kiss Charles and I was thinking of him the whole time, but he wouldn’t believe me.  No, he would just turn me away and tell me to go off and play with my gadgets because he thought of me as a child that he had to protect.

Something had to change.  I knew what it was but I wasn’t sure how to go about doing it, how do you make a man see that you are a woman, one with needs and wants?  Well I knew, but if I did the things that were popping in my head Wesley would never look at me the same way.  It was evil, it was wrong, but it was the only way.  The only thing was making him do what I wanted him to; I mean he wouldn’t do anything unless he was drunk, drugged, or something like that.  Wesley kept his dark side carefully tucked away, bottled up with the cap tightly in place.  He wasn’t like me, I let my dark side come out and play sometimes, but only when no one else was around, or when someone pushed me to, like he did that night.  I would give anything to relive that night, but I couldn’t do what I wanted to because well first it was wrong, but also because I knew that he would regret it the next day and would never look at me again, and I wouldn’t have been able to handle that.

Dirty, evil, wrong, bad, wicked, all these words flashed through my mind, invading it and battering it, making my head hurt, making me want to cry.  I knew what I had to do, I had to let go of my soul, let the darkness take over me, and it was the only way that I could live with myself.  Having human emotion was conflicting with what I wanted, feeling guilty, feeling awful, I didn’t want it anymore, I wanted blood, his blood, I craved it.  His blood was the only thing that made me feel alive, feel like I had purpose and the only way to get it was to turn him and myself into something that we hated, something that we had spent our time together fighting, but it had to be done so that we could let go of the frail human thing called a soul.  The thing that holds humans back makes them feel that there is a right and wrong even though there isn’t, the only thing that is important is blood.

Finally I stood up from the couch and I watched him.  It broke my heart to watch him like this, to see with such a black cloud over his head.  Perhaps I could talk to him, try to reason with him.  It was worth a shot, after all the alterative should really be a last resort.

“Excuse me,” I tapped softly on the door.

Wesley jumped a little.  “Oh Fred.  You startled me.”

“Can I come in,” I asked him gently.  I knew I was going to have to get used to asking that question.

“Yes,” he motioned me to a chair.  “Yes of course.”

I sat down and folded my hands and looked at them.  “Wesley,” I started and stopped.  “I’m so sorry.”

“Fred,” he looked at me curiously.  “What is it?”

“I didn’t mean to,” I bit back the tears.  “It was a mistake.  I was confused and I stayed that way for a while, but now I know.  I know he could never be the one, he isn’t right; I just went crazy for a minute.  I am sorry that I let it happen, I shouldn’t have, I feel so dirty.”

Wesley stood up and walked around his desk to kneel next to me.  “What do you mean,” he reached for my hand.  “What happened Fred?”

“I know you know,” I let the tears flow down my face.  “I know you saw, please don’t make me say it.  Just forgive me,” I flung myself at him.  My arms wrapped around him and held him to me so tightly.  “Please,” my lips brushed against the skin on his neck.  “Forgive me.”

He started to pull back from me and held me at arms length despite my whimper of protest.  “Winifred,” he looked at me.  “I can’t just wipe it from my mind.  I am sorry; it is going to take sometime.  Plus it will hurt him.”

“But it was just once,” I protested and reached out to touch his cheek.  “He will understand.  Please Wesley.  I need this, I need you.”

“No,” he stood up.  He looked at me long and hard.  “I am sorry.  I won’t.”  He walked away and went to sit back at his desk.

“I wish I could take it all back,” I stayed on the floor.  “I never wanted to hurt you.  I just wanted to love you to be with you, but I thought it was wrong.  Because you kept pushing yourself away from me, treating me like a child, I thought you didn’t want me.  Wesley, please don’t you see how much this is killing me, how hard it is for me to admit that when you kissed me that night that it,” I paused.  “That it made me feel like I had take my first real breath.  My mind kept telling that it was wrong, that it was dirty and evil.”

“And it was,” Wesley gave me a harsh look.  “If that is what you want, then don’t look to me Winifred.”  He glared at me for a second and then went back to his books.  “If that is all,” he didn’t look up.

I whimpered and let a sob escape my mouth.  Then I went running out of his office and didn’t look back.  I knew what I had to do, I didn’t want to but it was the only way.  He kept his darkness in so close to him, there was no way that I was going to reach it on my own, I was too weak.  I needed to find help, and I knew just where to look.

“Please,” I knocked on the door of an old house.  “Let me in.”

“Why,” a voice grumbled.

“I have money,” I replied.  “And I need your help.  Please?”

I heard the bolt on the door slide back.  The door creaked and made a hideous noise as it opened just enough to let me slip in.  “What do you want,” the woman looked me over.

“I want to be turned,” I told her.  “I know you can do it.  I have the money.  More than what you normally ask for.”

“Normally I just feed off your kind,” she chuckled and put her hand to my chin.  “You look healthy enough.  Why do you want to be turned?”

“Because I am wicked and evil,” I cast my eyes down.  “They tell me that I am, that the things that I want are wrong.”

“Who tells you that pretty,” she stroked her hand against my cheek.

I gasped at the ice-cold feel of her hands.  “The man,” I started to cry but managed to hold back the tears.  “The man that I love.”

“You want blood, yes,” she started to circle me.

“Yes,” I nodded.  I kept my eyes on the floor.  “More than anything.”

She stopped in front of me again and titled my chin up so that I was looking at her.  “There is nothing wrong with that my little bird,” she smiled at me.  “I will help you.  You are a rare case.  I can smell the evil coming from you, begging to be let out.  You will make a wonderful creature once your human soul is left behind.”

“Then it’s true,” I let my head sink again.  “I am evil and wicked. I am bad.”

“You could say that,” she chuckled.  “My little bird there is no good or bad, there is only blood.  But you will see that soon.”

“It will hurt,” I stated more than asked.

She smiled and rubbed reached for my wrist.  “You will die,” she rubbed my veins.  “But it will only be for a moment.  Just relax.”

With that she sunk her teeth into my flesh.  I let out a moan of pain and excitement.  Slowly I could feel my soul start to sleep away from me, I could feel it writher and die.  The darkness was taking over me and its warmth being draped across my body, it allowed me to shed any human emotions of guilt and sorrow that were left inside me.  Next came the need for blood, the ache for it, the yearning for it that almost killed me a second time, it took over my lungs and chocked me until the woman held her own wrist to my mouth and let me drink.

Then it happened.  I felt my body start to shake and the pain was so intense that I fell to the ground in a crumpled ball.  I whimpered as inside my soul died leaving me what some might call thin a hollow shell.  As the pain started to build my head started to spin and I could see the world slipping away from me.  I blacked out and stayed that way for a long time.

When I woke up I saw her standing over me.  “There you are little bird,” she chuckled.  “You had me worried there for a second.”

“I am so hungry,” I sat up and looked at my clothes and started to shred them.  “This things are so ugly.”

“Hey I didn’t do the shopping,” she shook her head at me with a smile.

“Hmm,” I stood up and dusted myself of.  “Either did I,” a chuckle rose in my throat.  “Shall we go after him than?”

“It is up to you,” she shrugged.  “What name will you use now?”

I thought for a moment.  “Winifred,” I started to pace the room.  “Sasha dear,” I looked at my maker.  “This place is just so drab.  We are going to have to move.”

Sasha laughed at me again.  “I guess this place is not as classy as that hotel you were staying at,” she looked around the dark room.  “I must admit I am a bit envious of Angelus.  A whole hotel all to himself, but what you showed me through our link will be very helpful later.”

“Take the knight, next the queen, then the rook and castle, and lastly check the king,” I giggled.  “It will be so much fun.”

“You are crazy,” she shook her head at me.  “You do know that don’t you?”

“The question you should be asking is if you know that,” I ran my fingers over my body.  “Oh I feel an itch.  Let’s go scratch it.”

Sasha shook her head once more and followed me out the door.  “And just how do you plan on getting your knight to let you in?”

“Ask him all nice and pretty,” I gave her a sly smile.  “With blood on the side.  Come on, time to hurry.  The night is slipping away.”  For the first time in my existence I felt like everything was right with the world.  I was going to get what I wanted and I had no guilt about wanting it.  I no longer felt evil, I was evil, and I reveled in that fact.