__The Price of a Kiss__
By Amy
He didn't kiss her the night they saved Angel from the fights, or so many nights after. Working side by side with her, fighting the demons that hid in the dark, day after day and month after month, he'd had many opportunities.
Many opportunities to recreate that steaming kiss of when they'd met again. In fact, there were times when he could have sworn that her eyes were dipping closed, and that she was wetting her lips for the incoming kiss. Many times when he could have sworn that he heard her heart beating across the room, felt her breath against his mouth.
But he didn't kiss her.
Not because he didn't want to. He did. He knew that she was slowly becoming a part of him; something inside of him that was an integral piece... Whether that stemmed from friendship or a growing love, he didn't know, but she was there and he wanted her.
The problem was, what if he was wrong about her feelings? What if friendship was all that was there, and he tried to kiss her?
He hadn't many friends in his life, and she was one of them. One of the only people who saw him as capable, saw him able to do the things that even he wasn't sure he could do. One of the only people who care about him. One of the only people who... counted on him.
So no, he didn't kiss her that night. There were many nights like that.
When he wished he could have, but couldn't find the courage.
* * * * *
"Wesley!"
Wesley bolted out of Angel's office, running to Cordelia's desk. His eyes were large and worried. "What? What is it? Are you having a vision?"
Cordelia looked up, from where she was crouched on the floor. "I lost my earring!" she wailed, frantically searching the floor with her hands.
Wesley sighed in annoyance. "Your earring?"
"Not *just* my earring," she muttered, hearing the all-too-familiar tone in his voice, "But my diamond earring! One of the only things I have left that my father gave me... That the IRS didn't take away. I... I know I had them on this morning, when I came in, but I just... I..." She paused, noticing the tears in her voice.
Wesley noticed too, and got down on his knees next to her. "Very well, we'll find it," he said, gracing her with a soft smile.
She smiled gratefully back at him and they resumed the search. A moment later, he spotted it, near the trash can. His fingers lifted it carefully. "Aha. Looks as though it slipped out. I don't see the back of it."
Cordelia shook her head. "I found that a few minutes ago." She gazed at him for a moment. "Thank you."
"Of course."
Then, without thinking, he took the back from her hand and placed his hand on her neck, pulling her face towards his. Cordelia's small, sharp intake of breath shook him back to his senses, and he slowly let go of her neck and tilted her head to the side, slipping the earring gently back in its place.
His fingertips grazed the back of her ear and her breath caught again.
When the earring was on, he pulled away and avoided her eyes, clearing his throat. "Yes, well. We'd better get back to work, don't you think?"
Cordelia nodded quickly. "I think."
* * * * *
"I just don't see what happened!" she exclaimed, going over the moment again in her mind. "I wanted him to... But it really scared him. So I didn't want him to, either. And I could see that he wanted to, of course. Angel! Are you even listening?"
He looked confused. "He wanted to...?"
"Duh. Kiss me! I thought I explained that part." Cordelia rolled her eyes.
"And you knew he wanted to... how?"
She glared at him. "Every man wants to." She paused. "Well, except... you know… You."
"Of course not me." A tiny, amused smile appeared on his face, and he leaned forward in his chair. "So what scared you?"
"He just..." Cordelia sat down heavily, slouching as she rarely allowed herself to do, a telltale sign that she was really upset. "He looked so serious. Like it would have meant a lot to him. And I didn't want..."
"You didn't want it to be serious?" Angel prompted, bewildered. "You would rather it mean nothing?"
"No!" she denied loudly, then sighed. "I'm just not sure if I'm ready for that. I want to be. But there's no going back, you know? Not from something as intimate as a kiss."
Angel folded his hands together. "Haven't you two kissed before?"
Cordelia glared at him. "Yes. But not like... The first time, it was sort of like we were building each other up so much that... The kiss was bad. We had all these expectations, like you're going to have with a crush." Angel nodded, and she went on. "And the other time, when he first came back, I didn't even know that it was him... And it was fabulous. So I'm worried that--"
"It'll be bad again?"
"Angel! You're not even paying attention! I'm not worried that it'll be bad, I'm worried that it'll be good; too good. And now that it's not just a crush... I don't know what it is." She put her elbows on her knees and placed her hands over her eyes for a long moment.
"Could it be..." Angel's voice was teasing and gentle.
Cordelia's head snapped up. "Don't even say it."
* * * * *
But by then, things were already careening wildly out of control. They both knew it was coming, both knew that it would be sooner rather than later when the moment arrived for them to make a decision.
The days were growing longer then, and they would stay later and later at the office together, looking over papers, researching demons that their boss was fighting, touching each other in the close proximity in which they worked.
And one evening, as the sky was just beginning to get dark and it was filled with the pinks and oranges that made sunsets famous, Wesley glanced up to see Cordelia standing by the window. Her face was tinted a golden-rose color and she was staring out, melancholy etched across her face.
"I wonder what they're doing right now," she murmured to him, as though she could feel his eyes on her.
Wesley stood and joined her by the window. "Who?"
"Everyone," she answered, sadness in her voice. "Buffy, Giles, Willow and Xander. My mom and dad. My old friends. Everyone who used to mean so much to me." She turned her eyes on him, the hazel glittering. "Do you think they're all right?"
She was wearing a tight sea-blue skirt that fell to her knees, and a light green tank top. Wesley's eyes rested on the smooth skin of her shoulder, and he felt his hand creep up to rest there for a moment. "Yes." His voice was grainy and rough with feeling. "I very much think that they're all right. ...Are you?"
"I'm... Yeah, I am." Her smile was tremulous. "I wasn't sure I could say that and not be lying, but there it is, and I think I'm telling the truth. I guess my life just took some getting used to. I like it now."
"You do?" His voice dropped lower as he drank her in with his eyes.
Cordelia watched him watching her and glanced down, her chin trembling a little. Her heart was beating too quickly. "Don't," she whispered breathlessly.
"Don't what?"
"Don't... don't kiss me," she finally got out. "I... can't..."
He took his hand slowly off of her shoulder, his eyes dimming in disappointment. "Of course. I'm..." He straightened. "I do apologize."
He started to turn away, but Cordelia caught his arm. "Wesley! You just... You don't understand what it means to me. You don't understand the price you'd have to pay for that kiss... The price *I* would have to pay. It would be important to me; so important, and I don't think that I'm... I don't think that I can handle..." Tears filled her eyes.
She let go of his arm and turned away, grabbing her bag from the desk. "I'm..." Her voice broke, "I'm sorry."
And then she rushed out, before he could see her cry.
* * * * *
"I just don't understand what happened!" Wesley looked at Angel pleadingly. "I'm rather sure she was... She was..."
"Into it?" Angel suggested, only half-listening.
"Yes. I feel so helpless. I've never... She's the first woman... And I'm nearly fifteen years her elder." He sighed. "What should I do?"
Angel looked up and worked at not rolling his eyes. "Look, Wesley. As much as I've enjoyed watching this little melodrama that you two have going on play out, I'm sort of busy looking for a fire-breathing demon with a nasty temper. Can I skip all of the condolences and comfort and get right to it?"
"Please."
"Cordelia's the first woman that you've ever cared this deeply for, right?" Angel asked briskly. Wesley nodded. "Well, I'm sorry to tell you like this, but you're not the first person that *she's* cared for. And, from what I've seen, when she gives out her heart, she doesn't do it halfway. Much like when she does anything, which isn't often. There was Xander... Who I'm sure you've heard something about..."
"I know that they dated briefly, yes," Wesley acknowledged.
"For a year," Angel clarified. Wesley looked surprised, and Angel went on. "And they broke up because he cheated on her. With Willow... Who, if you didn't know, Cordelia was growing rather close to at the time. And she loved Xander. So it broke her heart when she found them, kissing."
Wesley's eyes widened in compassion. "I had no idea," he murmured. Suddenly he looked up at Angel, narrowing his eyes a bit with curiosity. "How do you know all this? Cordelia doesn't seem the type of person to confess her romantic situations to a vampire. No offence intended."
Angel smiled. "I learned this the way all men learn the gossip that goes on in the world. My girlfriend told me." His eyes twinkled for a moment, and then darkened as he thought back on those times with Buffy. He shook his head to clear it of her, and continued on. "Anyway. The closest person after that, as far as I know, was Doyle. Who died. But he meant something special to her. And then there was Wilson."
"That bastard," Wesley muttered, nodding. "I think I understand."
"I'm not sure you do." Angel smiled sympathetically. "Whether or not she has feelings for you, she's had her heart broken whenever she's let those feelings take over. And I'm not sure she can take her heart being broken again. I think that that's what she's afraid of as well."
"Yes," Wesley whispered, "She mentioned the price of her kisses. I've been so stupid."
"Don't say that."
"No, Angel, you don't understand. When she talked about the price of her kisses, I actually wondered if she was talking about prostitution," Wesley sighed.
Angel winced, then nodded. "Sorry, Wes. You *have* been stupid."
* * * * *
The knock startled her, made her jump. Finally Cordelia sighed and got up from the couch, swinging the door open. Wesley smiled tentatively. "May I come in?"
"As long as you haven't turned into an evil vampire in the last few hours," she nodded.
Wesley stepped inside, closing the door after him. "I came to talk to you."
"I figured. I mean, unless you came to stare at me, which is something I wouldn't blame you for," she grinned lightly, walking back over to the couch and sitting. She gestured for Wesley to join her.
"Well, I might do a bit of that as well," he conceded with a chuckle, sinking into the cushions. "Actually, I came to talk about... what happened... between us."
Cordelia tried to smile. "Yeah. Look, I don't say this very often, but I really am sorr-"
Wesley held up his hand, effectively cutting her off. "No apologies necessary," he started, then paused. "Unless they're coming from me. Cordelia, I'm afraid that I've entered into this too cavalierly. I didn't fully understand before how hard it must be to let yourself... To let yourself..." He shook his head. "While I've been in something of an opposite position. I've never felt the way about someone that I do about... Even when I've tried."
"Wesley," she said softly, her eyes growing blurry.
"No, please." He smiled sadly at her. "I just wanted to say that however long you need... I won't push you. And if you decide that this-- That is to say, you and I-- isn't what you want, you needn't fear that I'll be upset. I do care about you, Cordelia, more than I ever thought was possible for me to care about anyone. But I can't force the same feelings in you, and I won't try. So, if you're ever ready, if you ever feel that it's safe to open yourself to me..." He blushed. "Ah, figuratively... Then I want you to know that I'll be there."
He patted her hand gently and moved to stand up when she touched his knee. He looked at her inquisitively.
"Wesley, it's not that I don't feel safe with you. It's that I feel... More safe with you than anyone, even Angel, and that's a little scary to me." She looked down. "I've been in love before. And it's not something that I've ever come out of on the plus side, you know? Maybe I'm... Maybe I'm..."
A tear seeped into her lashes and fell off, trailing down her cheek. Wesley reached up and slowly, gently wiped it away with his thumb, and Cordelia felt indelibly marked, as though he had touched her soul with a healing balm in that one, simple, loving gesture. His voice was quiet. "Maybe you're what?"
Cordelia looked up at his face, soaking him in, falling into his eyes. She smiled warmly at him. "Maybe I'm ready for that kiss now."
His eyes widened with pleasure, and he leaned forward, stopping a single inch from her face. His breath swept across her lips. "Are you sure?"
She nodded slowly.
Seeing only truth in her eyes Wesley grinned, dipping his head slightly. His lips met hers sweetly, teasingly, and then with more ardour when her fingers inched up the lapels of his coat and her hands finally wound around his neck, pulling him closer to her. Cordelia smiled against his mouth, giving a little sigh of pleasure. Wesley's hands found her hair as the kiss went on and on. He sank his tongue into her mouth, tasting her, giving a small growl of appreciation as her fingernails lightly scratched at his scalp.
Finally they pulled away, both breathless and still in each other's arms. Wesley's eyebrows knitted in concern. "You're trembling."
Cordelia gave him a shaky smile. "It's just... wow." Her eyes sparkled. "Well worth the price."
Wesley smiled back. "I second that."
He leaned down to kiss her again, but Cordelia jerked away to look at him seriously for a moment. "Just so you know, I'm not always going to be this mushy," she cautioned him haughtily.
"I know." Wesley's mouth curved up. "I wouldn't have it any other way."
* * *