A Mission From God
Chapter 3 - Frogs And Fisticuffs

written by Gileswench




The sun shone bright in the sky as Willow, Tara, Cordelia, and Gunn left the Hyperion Hotel to seek adventure and the Holy Grail.

"I don't see why we couldn't just use the spell. We could all be back home before lunch that way."

"I told you, honey, God wants us to Quest for it. If He wanted us to do a locator spell, that's what He would have asked for."

Tara was tired of explaining the concept to her girlfriend, but knew she would have to do so at least another five times before this was over.

"So if God lost his cup, why doesn't He just go get a new one?"

"Don't you know nothing, Cordelia?" Gunn was shocked and disgusted. "This ain't just some moldy glass. Jesus drank out of it at the last supper."

Cordelia shook her head.

"Parents always choose the weirdest things to get sentimental about. Why doesn't He want the knife and fork, too?"

"'Cause there wasn't no knife and fork."

"You're kidding. Jesus ate with His hands? Suddenly, I'm beginning to understand His fashion sense, too."

The others shook their heads as they went to catch up with the girl.

* * * * *

After several hours of walking, the little band found themselves in an unfamiliar neighborhood where even Gunn felt ill at ease. The three girls huddled closer together until Cordelia remembered that Willow was the girl she had taunted since they were five years old for being a total loser. The Seer moved closer to Gunn.

"Where the hell are we? And what makes you think the Holy Grail would be in a place like this? I mean, Son of God, already; don't you think his estate stuff would've gone someplace better than this?"

"It's been two thousand years, and I don't think Jesus ever lived in the good part of town." Gunn's attention was drawn to a sound in the distance. "What's that?"

"How would I know?"

Willow and Tara approached cautiously.

"S-sounds like a banjo," Tara observed.

Willow frowned. "I know I've heard that song before. I just don't know where."

All four crouched down and moved in the direction of the music. they came to a low stone wall and peeked over the top.

On the other side of the wall, there was a preternaturally green meadow. In the middle of said meadow, was a fallen log. Sitting on said log, was a frog playing the banjo.

And someday we'll find it
The rainbow connection
The lovers, the dreamers, and me
La di dah dee


"Oh. My. God."

Cordelia's mouth hung open.

"I don't believe it!"

Tara was shocked.

"Well I'll be damned."

Even Gunn couldn't fathom the sight.

"Who is it?"

All eyes turned to Willow.

Cordelia rolled her eyes.

"It's Kermit the Frog!

"Sorry. My parents wouldn't let me watch the Muppets. They said the anthopomorphization of the animal characters was unhealthy and reinforced stereotypes that furry animals were automatically more worthy than not-furry ones."

The other three shook their heads.

"Hey, I can't help it that my Mom and Dad are weird. But you have to admit, a fuzzy frog is sorta strange too."

"Y'know, girl has a point, " Gunn agreed.

"So what do we do?" Cordelia brought matters back to the point.

"Well, this looks sorta Questy," Tara said. "I mean... frog, meadow, banjo; not the stuff you expect to see in downtown LA. Maybe we should... um... talk to him?"

The four approached the meadow cautiously, so as not to startle the frog away. They needn't have worried. As soon as they were within hailing range, the frog stopped playing the banjo and raised a cheery flipper.

"Hey ho, Kermit the Frog, here."

"Yo, man" was Gunn's reply. "I'm Gunn, and these are Cordelia, Willow, and Tara."

"Hi, Mr. The Frog."

Tara waved shyly and ducked her head.

"Come hither and tell me what it is you seek," Kermit encouraged them.

Gunn decided to come straight to the point.

"You haven't seen no Holy Grail 'round here, have you?"

The frog's eyes swept up and down the young demon hunter's form.

"Maybe, maybe not. Tell you what, why don't you send the girls on ahead, and you and I can have a nice chat while I think that one over."

Cordelia leaned over to Tara and whispered conspiratorially.

"Uh oh. I think we just found out why Miss Piggy never made any headway with green and leapy here."

"Gunn doesn't look too happy; maybe we should get him out of there."

"Nah. I want to test a theory of mine."

Meanwhile, Gunn blustered.

"Listen, Froggy! I ain't that sort of guy. Nothin' wrong with it if it's what you're into, but it ain't for me. Just give me a straight answer, and I'm on my heterosexual way."

The frog reached out a tentative flipper to Gunn's thigh.

"You don't know what you're missing."

At that moment, a fearsome cry of "Hi-Yah!" filled the air and a lavender glove came down with astonishing force on the back of Gunn's neck. He fell, stunned to the ground.

"No man makes a pass at my Kermie!" the avenging pig asserted.

She then proceeded to kick Gunn where it counts the most. The demon hunter rolled on the ground, choking and clutching his offended naughty bits.

"Hey! She can't do that to Gunn!" in a flash, Cordelia ran to the rescue of her coworker (who also suddenly seemed a great deal more attractive, now she knew for certain he wasn't gay).

"Time for this little piggy to go to market!"

She picked up Gunn's homade battleaxe from where it lay beside the sputtering, fallen hero, and brought it down right in the center of Piggy's lace handkerchief, pinning her to the spot.

The porker squealed in terror as Cordelia dragged her up by the low cut neckline of her evening gown.

"Listen, Piglet, nobody messes with my friends! And when are you ever going to learn that opera gloves before six pm are so wrong it hurts?!"

"But he was after my Kermie!"

"And that's another thing. Fag hags are so eighties. Get over it."

With that, she turned the pig around and, with a perfectly placed toe of her fashionable shoe to Miss Piggy's ham, kicked the screaming international superstar a distance that would be the envy of any football player. And she was kicking more than the skin of the pig.

Willow and Tara ran to Gunn's aid as Cordelia turned her attention to the now quivering frog.

"And as for you, short, green, and gay; keep your flippers off my guy!"

The frog leapt on his bicycle and rode away into the Technicolor meadow. Some time and distance later, Miss Piggy landed in his basket.

Cordelia turned back to Gunn, and threw herself at him.

"Oh Charles! Are you all right?"

"I thought I was until this. I gotta be hallucinating. Did you just call me 'Charles'?"

In lieu of an answer, Cordelia kissed him. After a panicked moment of struggle, Gunn decided this was a flow best gone with, and kissed her back. Willow and Tara retreated a short distance and looked happily at the new couple.

"Well, I don't know if we'll find the Grail, but at least it looks like they found something good out of this."

Tara put her arms around her girlfriend.

"The Grail will be found. And I think they just may have done it."

"Where? I don't see a Grail anywhere."

Tara smiled secretively and kissed Willow.

"You'll understand."

Read the next chapter: Beacons And Brothels