A Mission From God
Chapter 1 - In The Beginning
written by Gileswench
Spoilers: Set after the end of Season 5. Spoilers through The Body on Buffy and Epiphany on Angel.
Summary: One God defeated, another sets a task for our merry band.
Dedication: To Melissa Rae who always inspires me to flights of fancy. Thanks a million!
Author's Warning: This is a highly irreverent fic. If you are offended by a humorous approach to religion,
I respectfully suggest this may not be the fic for you. No offense is intended to any religious belief, however.
Author's Notes: This one comes to you courtesy of Melissa Rae's challenge #164 on You Got The Stones? Which reads
as follows: "Well, it's been a while since I've sent in a challenge, and I feel the need for a new story to love and
cherish. I've also watched "Monty Python and the Holy Grail" several times over the weekend, so I apologize for any
wackiness on my part. I want a silly fic (I know, I always want silly fics. But that's just 'cause they're just lovely,
happy things). The whole gang must be on a mission from God to find the Holy Grail (which is now lost somewhere in
Southern California). Wackiness ensues. Must have Spike, Dawn, Dreg, a grail-shaped beacon, flying chickens, coconuts,
and Kermit the Frog. Romance is a plus, silliness a must (hee... I rhymed... again, I did apologize in advance). Have
fun, and good luck!"
Feedback Author: Gileswench
Author's Website: Wench's Tavern
Giles slowly blinked his eyes open. Another morning. One he hadn't been sure he would see when he had left the
comfort of home the night before.
He wasn't entirely used to thinking of the Summers house as his home, despite the fact he'd moved in barely a week
after Joyce died. Hank Summers had, as usual, had better things to do than care for his daughters, so Giles had
quietly stepped in, allowing Buffy to continue her studies and Dawn to live as normal a life as she could
considering the fact she wasn't a teenage girl at all, but an ancient energy matrix being hunted by a psychotic
But now Glory was defeated, and Giles and Buffy, overwhelmed by emotion in the aftermath, had finally decided to
tell one another how they truly felt.
And so it was that he woke to find Buffy still in his arms. He tightened said arms around her slightly and kissed
the top of her still sleeping head. A misty-eyed smile spread across his features. The girl stirred.
"Morning." She reached up to kiss him. "I need some coffee and about a three week shower. Wanna come with?"
"Only if I can have a cup of Darjeeling instead of the coffee."
"I think that could be arranged."
They leaned in and kissed deeply, tongues mingling, hands beginning to wander when the door swung open.
With a mutual shriek, both pulled the bedding up to cover themselves.
"Felicitous morrow to you, Master. I bring sustenance for you and your most entrancingly scented lady fair." The
bumpy minion scurried to the bed bearing a large tray loaded with food.
Giles massaged the bridge of his nose. He'd no idea why Dreg had insisted on following him home and swearing
fealty to him, but he was thoroughly sick of the state of affairs less than twelve hours later.
"Dreg? What the hell do you think you're doing?"
The demon blinked and drew himself to his full, if not terribly impressive stature.
"Have my unworthy efforts offended, oh tall and impressive one? I beg thy indulgence for the ineptitude of my
Buffy sniffed the air.
"Is that bacon?"
"It is, most glowy and beauteous one. Also, there are eggs, toast, marmalade, coffee, tea, freshly squeezed orange
juice, and individual moist towlettes for your sanitary convenience."
"Okay, then. You're forgiven. But Dreg? If you ever walk into this room without knocking again I'll knock you into
next week myself."
The minion bowed and scraped his way out of the room, shutting the door behind him.
* * * * *
That evening, the Scooby gang and Spike were all gathered at the Magic Box to discuss their usual post destruction
of this year's Big Bad celebration.
It wasn't that they wanted Spike there. In fact, most of them felt pretty vehemently that they wanted him
elsewhere. As elsewhere as possible, Buffy thought. Unfortunately for majority rule, Dawn had taken such a liking
to the biteless vampire, that the others allowed him in for the party.
"I vote we go to the amusement park. There are many safe rides designed to give the impression of great danger and
anxiety. This raises the adrenaline and leads to more satisfying sex."
"Anya, my little sister is here. She doesn't need to know about the joy of sexy adrenaline."
Privately, though, Buffy filed away the thought of taking Giles on a roller coaster and seeing what it would do
for their sex life.
"Anyway, we can't go there. Spike would get burned up. We could rent a bunch of movies, maybe."
Buffy, Giles, Xander, and Willow were quick to veto Dawn's suggestion. They were all still recovering from the
last time they'd done that.
"We could go to The Bronze." Willow suggested. "Y'know, bust a few moves in honor of our kickassness."
"But we do that all the time, Will. We should do something different. Besides, Giles doesn't dance. What would he
The others looked hard at the Slayer.
Xander's eyes flitted from Buffy to Giles and back again. They hadn't said anything, but their matching blushes
made guesswork easy.
"Aha! So the Watcher's not watching from the sidelines anymore. Finally. It's about time. This needs to be
celebrated, and nothing says celebration like two words: Road and Trip."
"Oy! I'm not going on a drive with you lot. What, we're all gonna pile into Giles' car? First time he lets the top
down I turn to dust, an all."
Buffy cocked her head and smiled.
"A plan with no downside whatsoever. I say let's roll."
"We will not! I won't have Spike dust all over my upholstery. And what about the shop? What will become of it
while we're gone? Not to mention there are still vampires and demons that need slaying. Who will do that while
we're all on progress like Good Queen Bess?"
The bell above the door tinkled merrily, albeit annoyingly, as Dreg scuttled into the shop, bowing and scraping
his way toward Giles.
"Most intellectual and sarcastic one! I bring a missive in my scabby and unworthy hand into your well-nigh divine
He bent nearly in half as he handed the scroll to the Watcher. Giles grabbed it with a snort of impatience and
As he read, his eyebrows shot up nearly to his hairline in an amazing feat of mobility. He whipped off his glasses
and sat with a tiny thud at the tarot table. The Scoobies clustered around in mild panic. When Giles acted like
this they could never be sure whether it was the end of the world, yet again, or whether he'd just remembered he
was out of laundry detergent.
"Oh dear Lord."
"Giles? What is it? You're wigging me, sweetie."
Buffy took the opportunity to rub his shoulders comfortingly as Giles sat with a distracted air for some moments.
Finally, he patted Buffy's hand, sat up straighter, and seemed to refocus on his companions.
"It would seem that we're going on a trip after all."
All the Scoobies began to talk at once, until Giles held up his hand for silence.
"This isn't just a road trip. It's a mission. A mission from... God, in fact. It would appear that the Holy Grail
has gone missing and He has asked... well... ordered that we find and return it to Him."
"God lost a cup and he wants us to go after it? Didn't King Arthur or somebody take care of this a while ago?"
Buffy sounded as annoyed as she did perplexed.
"You're thinking of Indiana Jones, Buff. He saved it from the Nazis way back in the times before even Giles was
Xander's grasp on history was somewhat distorted, albeit colorful.
"God apparently doesn't wish to go to Los Angeles. There are some neighborhoods He's afraid to enter. Besides,
Buffy is a champion of the light and as such must prove herself worthy to Him. This is how He chooses to test her."
"Again with the tests. Look, I didn't choose to be the Slayer, but all anybody ever wants is to make me prove I'm
good enough for it. I wish, just once, somebody would take my word for it."
"Well, if you lot are off fighting evil and bringing light and joy and fluffy lambs into the world, I'm off."
Spike sauntered to the door.
"You can't leave, Spike."
The Watcher sounded tired and irritated.
"Why the bloody hell not?"
"Because God has specifically requested that you accompany us on our journey. Something about redemption and your
essential purity of heart, or some such lunacy."
"Redemption? Who does God think I am? The Great Poofini?"
"I'm sure it's some sort of misunderstanding. Nevertheless, I believe we must stick to the letter of the message
until we are told otherwise. God does work in mysterious ways. I suggest we all go home and get a good night's
rest. We'll leave tomorrow at sundown."
With that, the group went to their separate homes to prepare for their journey.
Read the next chapter: Visions And Vampires