Barney's Revenge
written by Eaglewolf


Rating: FRC
Spoilers: S5 (not really I mean just a mention of Giles' work place).
Summary: Buffy just wants to do her man.. Barney has other ideas.
Authors's Notes WARNNING: Sillyfic to the extreme
Feedback Author: Eaglewolf


Buffy was singing softly to herself, she didn't know where she'd heard the tune, but the song was very annoying and stuck in her head.

"I love you,
You love me
We're a happy family
With a great big hug and kiss from me to you
Won't you say you love me too?"


She was trying to study, but the song just went around and around in her head, nothing else was getting through to her. Finally she let out a scream of frustration, and everyone in the Magic Box turned to look at her.

"Sorry." she said as she lowered her head again, trying to read. She had a major exam coming up.

Giles put his hands on her shoulders and slowly started to massage the tension away. He calmed her with his soothing voice, asking her questions about the exam, and in his own way helping her to study. Although Buffy didn't realise it was studying, she just thought he was interested in what she was doing. She smiled, he was always interested in what she was doing, especially when she was doing him, tilted her head back, and smiled at him; he bent down to kiss her gently.

Giles finally went to the door and turned the sign around, and locked the door. There were just the two of them left now, The Watcher and the Slayer. Buffy smiled and put her arm around Giles' neck, pulling him closer to her.

"Mr. Giles, may I have this dance?"

"You surely may Mrs. Giles." The moved around the store, bodies pressed together gliding in perfect harmony.

Buffy looked up into her lovers eyes, and whispered "I love you." Giles' eyes crinkled as he smiled at her, and bent down to kiss her lovingly on the lips, "I love you too."

Buffy started to sing softly again as they moved around the room, "I love you, You love me. We're a happy family with a great big hug," she stopped to squeeze Giles hard, "and kiss from me to you," she stopped to kiss him.. hard "Won't you say you love me too?"

"Still stuck in your head then?"

"Yeah.. I don't know where I heard it.."

"I hope it's not ... actually I hope it is prophetic if it's directed towards me." Giles said with a Ripperish grin. Buffy grinned back at him with her own female version of the Ripperish grin, and pulled his head down so she could whisper in his ear.

"Why, Mrs Giles!! I'm shocked, and yet strangely excited by that suggestion. And here I was thinking you were all sweet innocence and light."

Buffy whispered something else in Giles' ear. He pulled back with a shocked expression on his face, still keeping his love enclosed in his arms, "You promise?" Buffy just smiled, and lead Giles back into the training room. Where she proceeded to fufill her promise, and make a few more. Giles had a very goofy grin on his face as he drove them home. Of course it could have had something to do with the fact Buffy was running her hand up and down his crotch the whole way home. His jeans were getting very uncomfortable to wear. As they pulled into the driveway Giles leaned over and whispered a few things in Buffy's ear. His breath tickling her, and making her blush and giggle.

They got out of the car and walked towards the front door hand in hand.

Suddenly Buffy let go of her husband's hand and adapted a defensive pose. "Why now? Why can't I just come home and have some cuddle time with my husband? I'm horny.. I have needs I want taken care of and so does he." Giles blushed as he heard Buffy scream this out into the night, and so did everybody else on the street.

Then they heard a voice call out "Hi Everybody!" and then they heard the voice start singing "I love you, You love me, We're a happy family..." They turned to look at each other and Buffy's mouth fell open. From under the street light came a big purple dinosaur. He was about 12 feet tall, and wide enough to take up most of the street.

Buffy tried to move but she found she was frozen to the spot. She laughed at the dinosaur and said "You know you look like a kids TV cartoon character on steroids."

"I am. My name is Barney, Would you like to play?"

"Erm No thanks.. not with you.. I just want to go inside and play with my husband."

Giles looked at Buffy with his eyes open wide, damn Buffy had been spending too much time around Anya. Although he had to admit he did find it a bit of a turn on, and it was especially good for his ego that his wife was forever screaming out to everyone about wanting to play with him.

"Oh well let's Imagine I do this." Barney said as he picked Giles up and swallowed him whole, before he turned away and walked off into the night, leaving one very frustrated slayer behind him. He stopped about 3 houses up and turned to call out to Buffy "Oh and let's imagine that the paralysing spell I cast on you will wear off in about 10 minutes."

There was only one thing for it.. She was going to have to call in "The Silent Ones." She didn't like to call them unless she *really* had to because.. Well they were just so damn boring to talk to.

* * * * *

Buffy picked up the phone and dialed the secret number of the office of 'The Silent Ones'. She mentally groaned as she heard who answered the phone. Obviously they still weren't making enough money to employ someone who could actually speak English.

"DoodeeBashumbloco de bork, bork, bork!" The Swedish Chef crowed happily as he answered the phone. He had the phone in the crook of his shoulder and a wooden spoon in his other hand. He was trying to get his hen to lay chocolate cookies.

"Hi Chef. It's Buffy Giles here."

"De Buffy!! Bork, Bork, Bork checken da checkin corkie." He told her seriously.

"Oh, I don't think you'll get many cookies from your hen Chef."

"Chocolata Checkin!" The Chef informed her seriously and finished off with a "dumdeedo."

"Oh? It's a chocolate hen? Well, good luck then. Is Basil in?" Buffy asked, hoping to god the little fox was at work. She couldn't take much more of The Swedish Chef, it made her head ache just thinking about him. Talking to him for more than 5 minutes was liable to drive anyone to commit homocide.

"Dee doo work bork, bork, bork! Gunned borch Matthew bork!" She was informed.

Even Buffy had trouble understanding that statement. She figured it was either he'd gone to shoot Matthew, or he'd gone somewhere with him. Damn!

"Okay, how about Cookie? Is he in, or is he out on some narcotic assignment again?" Buffy shook her head. If she'd been the boss, putting the Cookie monster in charge of narcotics was not something she would have done. She'd seen the way he ate cookies; it was like he was on a permanent munchies kick.

"Balum blump ee doo. Checkin!! Checkin!!!!! Chocolata Checkin!! Smchoool corkie!!"

"Oh dear." Buffy muttered she wondered if she should tell the chef the small cookies that had just fallen from the hen weren't really cookies at all.

"Chocolata checkin chup bork, bork, bork!!" The chef exclaimed excitedly.

Buffy made a mental note never to eat the cookies down at the office. She dreaded to think what else the chef thought of as food. Well his chocolate chips had been food once, but now they were the by-products. She felt quite ill.

"Chef? Are the 'Silent Ones' in?"

"Borsch!" He called down the line.

"Okay, I'll be down in about thirty minutes. Can you tell them I want to see them?"

"Borsch eadi omph da de dar de doo Bork, Bork, Bork!"

"Okay, I'll see you then."

Buffy jumped in the car and drove towards the office, stopping on her way to pick up Xander. If there was one person in the world who could understand the chef without even trying, it was Alexander Harris.

"Just don't eat the cookies, Xander. Keep the chef entertained for me? I was on the phone to him for 20 minutes and I'm liable to just rip him lip from lip if he bork, bork, borks at me one more time!"

"Sure thing Buffster, but why can't I eat the cookies?" Xander had trouble with the concept of refusing food. Buffy turned to look at her friend; "A chocolate hen laid the chocolate chips."

Xander pondered this for a moment. "Oh."

When they arrived at the office of Bashumbloco they found the Swedish Chef deep in conversation with his "chocolate" hen. Forever "cluck cluck" she uttered, the Chef added a few "bork bork borks". Buffy shook her head and pushed Xander towards the reception desk.

Buffy headed towards the door, which had a big S, scrawled across it. The 'Silent Ones' didn't actually have opposable thumbs, so the S was the best they could do. She knocked and listened for a moment, hearing a rustling coming from within. She counted to ten and opened the door to find Humphrey B Bear and Mr. Blobby fighting each other to get to the door and open the door to whoever was there.

When they saw that it was Buffy, they ran over, Humphrey engulfing her in a bear hug, as bears are apt to do. Mr. Blobby ran into the both of them like steamroller and sent them sprawling all over the floor. Humphrey and Mr. Blobby then proceeded to get into a fistfight.

"Guys, stop it!" Buffy screamed and watched them jump apart. They then leaned against each other as if there wasn't a problem in the world. "Barney ate Giles!"

The 'Silent Ones' looked at each other and raised their hands to their mouths to convey their shock and horror. Then they both turned to Buffy and started to stroke her hair to tell her how sorry they were.

She smiled at them and with tears in her eyes said. "Help me get him back?"

Both the brown bear and pink monster with yellow polka dots moved to their desks, took our their guns and loaded them. Then they turned to Buffy and nodded, gesturing towards the door.

They headed back out into the foyer where Xander was just about to bite into one of the cookies, until he saw the look of disgust on Buffys face.

"He assured me they were real chocolate chips Buffy.

HONEST!"

* * * * *

"Hi Ho. Kermit the Frog here, coming to you from inside Barney, the purple dinosaur. I'm here in Barney's stomach to interview his latest meal, Rupert Giles. "

Giles turned to look at the little green frog, and held back a smile. Buffy had forced him to sit down with her and watch every single Muppet movie ever made just after the wedding, even he had laughed at some of the hi jinx they had gotten up to. His favorite had been "A Muppets Christmas Carol".

"Hi there, Kermit. What are you doing here?" asked the amused watcher.

"Working... Interviewing the contents of Barney's stomach." Kermit answered a little too cheerfully.

Giles fixed the little green amphibian with his patented Watchers glare. The little green one gulped.

"Okay, Okay. I'm hiding from the pig."

Giles grinned widely, and said, "I don't blame you. I can't stand her either. Always chasing you around, not taking "no" for an answer. Stupid bloody pig." Giles shook his head. "How long have you been down here anyway?"

"Oh about 2 years. We were at a Muppet reunion when Barney stormed through screaming something about revenge and he swallowed half of us... Okay, so I annoyed Miss Piggy so much that she "HIIIIIIYAAAAAAAed" me into his mouth... and by the time she realised. I was gone. Nothing quite so peaceful as in here."

"We? Oh dear... That's a rather long time to be in here. Who else got swallowed?"

"Oh Dr Teeth and Electric Mayhem, Sam the eagle, Statler and Waldorf and I think Fozzie is off Wokka Wokka'ing somewhere about."

Giles nodded, and walked off to explore the contents of Barney's stomach. He was surprised to find a large supply of Spam sitting in one corner of the abdomen. At least I'll have something to eat he thought, and continued to walk on. He walked for about 30 minutes before he came to a wall of intestine, and turned back to where the frog was still sitting.

"So, How do we get out of here?" he asked his green friend.

"Out of here? Are you crazy? I don't want out of here, I'm happy, not to mention safe from Miss Piggy down here."

Giles sighed, and ran his hand through his hair. "Have you ever been in love Kermit?" He looked the frog right into the frog's eyes. They were plastic, but he could still see the emotion in them.

Kermit just sighed.

"Have you?" Giles repeated his question.

"Yes. But it just wasn't meant to be, she was human... and I was a Muppet. Her name was Dawn, but I always called her Walnut. She loved me too," Kermit's eyes started to mist up from the memories of happier times. "But then Miss Piggy came into the picture, and scared her away. She did so many horrible things to my sweet, gentle Walnut, and she left me. Last I heard she'd fallen in love with a sane, kind, gentle, human man, and I'm happy for her I really am, I just wish I'd stood up to Miss Piggy back then."

Giles pulled out his handkerchief and wiped the emotional amphibian's eyes with it, as he patted him on the back making soothing noises.

"Shhh, It's okay Kermit. It's okay. I understand. Now, blow."

"I'm sorry." Kermit snivelled as he blew his nose into the hanky. He was so grateful to Giles for listening to him. He shook his head to clear it and looked at Giles once more. "So you're in love?" The reporter in him, always observant, took note of how Giles' eyes softened as he thought of his love.

"Yes, I'm the luckiest man on the face of the planet. I have the most beautiful wife, who I absolutely adore, and she loves me too." Giles' face clouded over, and his smile faded, "I know it's only been about an hour since I last saw her but I just miss her so damn much." Giles allowed himself a moment or two of misery before turning back to what he knew best; finding hope when there was none to be found. "Okay, so I have to get out of here, and Kermit, you need to find your Walnut and see if you can't crack her tough exterior, and make her fall in love with you again. Or at the very least, you need to put that hunk of pork in its place."

Kermit sat up straighter, and his eyes searched Giles' "You really think I have a chance with my Walnut again?"

"You never know until you try, I never thought Buffy would ever look at me in the same way and yet here we are married." Giles' face was overcome with a goofy expression, as he once again thought about how much he loved his wife. "There must be a way out of here."

Kermit looked away, he wanted to see Walnut again, but he was scared. He was afraid of going back out into the real world where Miss Piggy was probably still looking for him even after all this time.

"Kerrrrrrrmit," Giles drew out the name, "What aren't you telling me?"

Kermit sighed heavily, and raised his eyes to meet the watchers.

"Only one has ever escaped, and we don't know even know if he survived."

"Who?" The Watcher questioned."The one, the only Mr. Blobby." was the chilling reply.

"Not the ENGLISH Mr Blobby?” Giles asked his jade eyes flashing.

"I really don't know, all he ever said was Blobby Blobby.” Kermit replied.

"Pink and yellow polka dots?” Giles questioned.

Kermit nodded slowly, "You know him?"

It was Giles' turn to nod, "He's part of an small private investigation agency run by Basil Brush that Buffy and I sometimes use when we need outside help. But he doesn't say “Blobby” anymore. Something must have happened between him leaving you here, and getting back to the outside world."

Suddenly, Giles started to ring, and his pocket started to vibrate.

"Umm Giles, you're ringing,” Kermit informed the watcher, and at the glare he received, he added, "and yes I do like to state the obvious. I'm a children's character that's how they learn."

Giles felt a little sheepish as he answered his phone. Buffy had bought it for him just last week, and he was still getting used to the contraption. "Hello?" he said into the cellular phone.

A cheerful voice greeted him, "Hellu, It's zee svedeesh cheff here-a. Is thet yuoo Geeles? Impurtunt tu esk yuoo qooesshun hefeeng."

"Chef?” Giles said excitedly, "Chef I'm stuck in Barney's stomach. Hello? Hello?” The signal had dropped out, and when Giles tried to ring out he realised the battery was dead as well. He sighed, if only he'd thought of it when he'd first been swallowed. He turned his attention back to Kermit, "so you say Mr Blobby got out of here alive?"

"Uh huh." the frog said a little too curtly.

“And yet he lost his voice on the way through,” Giles mused.

The green Muppet was studying the ground in front of him rather astutely. He started to hum a rainbow song, which was driving Giles insane. I'm in the stomach of a purple monster, how much more insane could I get? He pondered for a second and cursed the god who had put him here. Then he prayed to a deity stronger than the one who had brought him here.

Barney's stomach rumbled and they all tumbled to the left.

Kermit took a deep breath; it wouldn't be right to lie to the watcher after he had tried to help him with his feelings for Walnut. Maybe they'd been wrong to do what they did but they couldn't stand it anymore. There had been no choice, it was the only way.

“Giles,” the frog said quietly immediately gaining the watchers attention. “It wasn't getting out of Barney that stole Mr Blobby's voice. Fozzie and Gonzo were doing a magic trick, which backfired. Mr Blobby was gone, but his voice stayed. See?” Kermit reached behind him to pull out a pink sack and when he opened it the words "Blobby Blobby" could be heard.

Giles looked thoughtful for a moment, before he reached and took the sack from Kermit. "If I might carry this with me, I have an idea."

"Sure Giles." replied the frog, relieved that finally someone had an idea.

Suddenly Barney started to shake from side to side as if quaking in fear. Then they heard the noises from outside trickle in.

"YOU SPIT HIM OUT RIGHT NOW! I DON'T WANT GILES TO HAVE TO SUFFER THIS INDIGNITY ANOTHER MOMENT. DO YOU HEAR ME BARNEY? SPIT HIM OUT. NOW!"

What Giles didn't realise was that his prayers had been answered by the deity to whom he had appealed to get him out of this mess.

Suddenly Barney started coughing, and Giles felt himself pulled towards Barney's throat. He briefly wondered why he was the only one, but before he could ask anyone anything, he found himself sliding up Barney's throat and his head sticking out of the large dinosaur’s mouth. Barney continued to cough, trying to get the watcher out of him. The pitchfork this crazy woman was holding had only needed to touch him once with its ‘owie power’ before he realised there was only one way out of this. This was no ordinary woman standing in front of them. Giles took in her garb, she was dressed in the way of an ancient warrior, and he had no doubt she was somehow related to Neptune. He could tell this by the trident she held in her hand. Finally, with one last cough, Giles was repelled from the dinosaur’s mouth.

"BE GONE," the Goddess cried. Barney didn't need to be told twice and in a flash, he was gone. The Goddess looked toward Giles who was laying on the ground a little winded but otherwise relatively uninjured.

"Now I know how a fur ball feels.” Giles muttered as he sat up and brushed himself off.

The Goddess merely smiled, upon her favoured child. Yes, he and his beloved would go far, and now that she'd gotten him out of the Barnerfic mess, she could get back to watching her apprentice, and making sure she never did anything quite so drastic to her heroes ever again. That apprentice of hers needed a constant watchful eye.

"Be thee well champion," she murmured before she struck the ground with the edge of her trident and was gone.

Giles blinked and looked around for the nearest phone box. He needed to let his wife know he was okay and out of the purple beast. Then they had to try and find a way to release the others from the purple prison. He patted Mr Blobby's voice sack, and smiled. Yes it could be damned annoying at times but Mr Blobby would talk again.

He didn't for a second stop to think what Chef's very important question could have been; things might have been very different if he had.

The chef looked at the phone in his hand. He wondered what he should do, Giles would have known. Which was the whole point of ringing him. He glanced at the eggs in front of him. He'd watched his hen lay them, and winced. She'd laid the eggs then clucked something angrily at him and packed her bags. Last he'd seen she'd waddled off with a suitcase under her arm. She'd been telling him she was moving to Florida for months, if he didn't get her a new nesting box, but he hadn't listened.

He sighed and moved towards the eggs. They were bigger than the hen herselfand he wondered how they could have fitted inside her briefly. He sat down and began to sing a song he made up as he went along. "Leettle-a poorple-a iggs, seetting zeere-a, present frum my heen, Gun evey. Imegeene-a iff yuoo vere-a tu hetch, Imegeene-a vhet yuoo'd be-a, oonly oone-a theeng cuoold thees poorple-a meke-a yuoo be-a."

Suddenly, a hairline crack appeared down every egg, and slowly but surelythey hatched. Out came not 3 little chicks but 3 little purple dinosaurs, who looked like the spitting image, all though a very scaled down image, of their father - Barney, the purple dinosaur.

The chef almost cried with happiness, especially when the one closest to him look at him with its head cocked to the side and said, "Deda? Bork Bork Bork!"

He clapped his hands together and borked out happily, "Oh, I cun joost imegeene-a yuoo ell yuoo groon up."

Suddenly there was a flash of light and the miniature Barneys were gone. Instead the three were fully grown. One was wearing a leather jacket and grasping a microphone, the other was standing there with just a bow tie on... but the 3rd one, the one who had called the chef "Dada", he made the old Muppets' eyes fill with tears yet again. He'd already named him in his mind. Chuf was wearing a blue and white stripped shirt that was covered in a white apron, and he was wearing a white chef's hat on his head.

"You're not my father!" Bolt screamed at him and left slamming the door behind him. The Chef had named him when he'd realised he was rock star Barney. The Chef turned to look at Sil, who was still to make a sound. Sil just shrugged and gestured at his throat, miming he had no voice.

Just then Humphrey walked in and grabbed Sil dragging him back to the door with the big S on it. The Chef sat back and thought for a moment, Bolt had gone to find his real father, Sil had taken on the role of a private detective and Chuf, the pride of his heart, was holding a chickens egg in one hand and a bar of chocolate in the other. Obviously, he was trying to figure out how to make an Chocolate Easter Egg.

Buffy and Giles ran into the room puffing.

"Chef, Where's Mr Blobby?" Giles panted.

Buffy went white as she noticed what was standing next to the chef. Not thatbloody monster again. "You!" Then she stopped as she saw what he was wearing.

"Ofer zeere-a." He pointed towards the Silent Ones door. "Nu, Booffffy.. Thet's Chooff. My sun. Bork Bork Bork!"

"Okaaaay." Buffy slowly turned and walked towards the detective's door, the chef was just a tad too weird for her.

Giles rapped on the door 3 times before opening it to find the 3 Silent Ones sitting silently, as if in meditation.

"Err Mr Blobby?" He said warily, not wanting to startle them.

Mr Blobby was up in a flash, his arms around Giles in a Blobby kind of hug.Giles held up the sack containing Blobby's voice.

"I think this is yours." He handed it over.

Mr blooby opened the sack and all of a sudden he was a "Silent One" no longer.

"Blobby Blobby?? Blobby Blobby Blobby!" he exclaimed excitedly.

He then proceeded to run around the room screaming "Blobby Blobby" at the top of his voice, and hugging everyone in his path. Especially Buffy as he seemed to keep running into her.

"Blobby!!" he exclaimed one final time before running out the door, never to be seen again in the Silent Ones offices. He had his voice back, he could go back to work on British Television.

Sil would take over his place in the offices. He may have been the child of Barney and the chef's hen but he was a born detective, straight from the Swedish Chef imagination.

Meanwhile The Chef and Chuf had prepared what they thought was a fabulous meal and came into the offices to invite the others to join them for lunch. Buffy and Giles took one look at the food and claimed they were full. The sponge cake looked as if it was made with real sponges and the chocolate mousse... it seemed as if the Chef had left an S out of the mix.

Buffy took a step closer to see the chocolate covered mouse sitting in the bowl. She frowned, "Tag? What you doing here?" She plucked the mouse out of the bowl and took her to the door. "Off you go."

She walked back over to her husband looked him in the eyes and said "Giles, let's go home."

"Yes dear, lets. Just a minute. Chef?" he asked the small Muppet. "What was the question you were going to ask me?"

"Oh, joost sumetheeng ebuoot geeunt poorple-a iggs. Duesn't metter noo." The Chef turned back to his lunch.

Buffy and Giles shook their heads, said their goodbyes and made their way home.

Meanwhile far away in Florida, Bort had found his real mother, the Chef's hen. She in turn was having a lovely time henpecking Bort's real father.

"Imagine you didn't have all those Muppets in you!" she clucked at him in chicken speak.

Suddenly all the Muppets were free.

As luck would have it Cordy and Fred were on holidays from LA and were enjoying lunch in a park just across from where the whole incident was taking place. Animal spotted them immediately and ran over with his arms outstretched screaming "Wo-men Wo-men." Cordy didn't even bat an eyelid.

"Oh hello Animal. Long time no see." She said as the shaggy Muppet approached.

"You ... know him?" Fred questioned.

"Aha."

"Oh. Okay."

Kermit screamed from the other side of the road as he noticed Miss Piggy running towards him. He closed his eyes as her heard the screech of the truck and saw she was now pressed ham. He ran for his life, before she washer full grown porky self again.

He ran all the way to Walnuts house. There he sat down and had a good long talk with Walnut and her husband, that is until he saw Walnuts sister, Cashew. He fell in love again that night. They moved to a deep corner of the desert where they knew Miss Piggy would never find them. They breathed a deep sigh of relief when they heard she'd married Animal anyway after years of pining for her cute little froggy.

Statler and Waldorf looked down from where they'd landed in the tree.

"You know I've seen better dinosaurs on the BBC." Statler called down to Barney.

"You should know you were born around then." Waldorf chuckled. Statler just turned to stare at his old friend.

"Err, You call that pecking?" Waldorf called down at the hen. "I've seen jackhammers that peck harder than that!"

Statler turned back to his heckling, he looked up at the author.

"You call this a fic? I've seen better fics at Destiny Awaits."

The author stared back at the Muppet reminding him she had his life in herhands, pointing to where Miss Piggy was finally getting up off the middle of the road, only to be smacked back down again.

"So sue me, I have pig issues."

"Errr Great fic." Statler murmured.

"Yes, best ever." Waldorf agreed.

The author nodded and turned her attention back to tying up the other looseends.

Buffy and Giles had finally returned to their home, and were uninterrupted this time as they made their way up to their bedroom, to do what Buffy had wanted to do ever since they had left the training room the first time.

She sighed as she stretched out in his arms.

"I truly love you Mr Giles. What an exciting day. Being swallowed and coughed up by a purple monster could only happen on the Hellmouth. The best thing was, there were no vampires to be seen."

Betsy mooed forlornly from just next to the letter box.

"Well maybe it's better they didn't see you tonight." Milk said as she started walking back towards the barn.

Rabid, the vampire squirrel, chattered at Betsy from his place on Milk's shoulder, he seemed to be telling Betsy. "I told you so."

"Yeah they've been through enough today without knowing that you were the one who sent Barney down here Betsy," Jac said patting the vampire cow on the head.

END